


Thoughts in a Long Form

by TheWishmeister



Category: Naruto
Genre: After Shippuden, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Canon Universe, Dubious Consent, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fix-It, Idiots in Love, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, No seme/uke dynamics, Not for Saku/Sasu fans, Post-War, Slow Burn, Smut, They're Both Men, Unhappy Het Relationship, no marriages
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:22:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 34,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26394850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWishmeister/pseuds/TheWishmeister
Summary: Finally returning to Konoha after a three year long undercover mission that went horrible wrong, it only takes a day for Sasuke to realize that agreeing to marry a certain pink haired kunoichi is possibly the worst decision he's ever made. Meanwhile Naruto is so dead set on pretending to be happy for the couple that he almost fools even himself. However, their bond isn't so easily broken, and love has a tendency to make bodies move on their own. Sometimes two souls are just destined to collide.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 119
Kudos: 147





	1. Picking Up the Parts

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a rewrite of a story originally written almost two decades ago. Rewrite as in I'm reusing some basic plot points. However a lot is new and the general dynamics are changing, including the smut factor as the old story had none and this one has, um... A lot. Some dubcon SasuSaku scenes (not very smutty, those) and a bunch of our OTP getting it on... 
> 
> Also I kinda majorly cut down on the evilish things Sasuke did while he was rogue. 
> 
> Please review, I love constructive criticism the most but I just thrive off reviews in general. The title is from a song by The Dangerous Summer entitled "In My Room."

_These are my thoughts in a long form._

_And I have the mindset to deconstruct you._

The sounds of Ino’s party buzzing all around, Naruto stands by himself near the stairs. He knows that he should be enjoying himself, he loves parties after all, loves attention, the way his friends laugh with him when he talks and jokes but tonight he doesn’t feel like making conversation. Nursing a still mostly full cup of sake, he yawns, forcing a smile as Kiba passes by and give him a look that says, ‘You good?’ Yeah, he’s good… Except that he’s not. He wasn’t going to come to Ino’s half-birthday party in the first place since he’d just gotten back from a two week mission the night before. (And what kind of 20 year old still finds it necessary to celebrate half-birthdays?) But he also knows that his post mission exhaustion is only a small portion of the reason that he doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t feel like his usual ‘down to celebrate whatever the cause’ self, that the real reason is a specific someone who returned to the leaf village last night around the same time that he did- after three years of being gone. 

And now that bastard of a someone is here, barely inside the front door of Ino’s house standing inhumanly still and looking just as uncomfortable with the party as the boy Naruto remembers would have been… Despite that, it’s been three long years and Uchiha Sasuke is no longer a boy. Even Naruto has to admit that the black haired ninja is a man now, grown up with only a hint of the boyishness he had at 17 remaining in his black eyes- large and more expressive than the rest of his face, though that’s not saying much. 

As of now they’re narrowed in what Naruto assumes to be irritation; yes his eyes are the same, familiar, as is the trademark Uchiha whiteness of his skin. Otherwise, he’s different now; tall and lanky like Kakashi-sensei but exuding power and a gracefulness that the copy-nin does not possess. No, Sasuke’s very presence commands respect and attention; he holds the posture of a god, defying weakness as if its very existence disgusts him and is not permitted to reside within or around him in any form- untouchable, unbreakable. 

_He was like that even back when we were in the academy though,_ the blonde thinks. Some things never change. 

Naruto has to admit that he’s grown too, in the three years that they’ve been apart. He’s gotten taller, standing maybe an inch or so shorter than Sasuke but he’s broader in the shoulders, still slender but compactly muscular. His skin is still smooth and unblemished, every one of the scars from hundreds of injuries he’s received in his life lost to the past or retained only in memory due to the regenerative power of the kyuubi sealed inside him. He's tanner though- due to the hours he’s spent training under the hot sun in the years since the war’s end- and his spiky golden hair is longer than its ever been, making him look eerily similar to his father. Despite the whisker marks on his cheeks, there isn’t a soul in the village who knew the Yondaime Hokage, that can look at Uzumaki Naruto and not see that he’s the son of Namikaze Minato. Naruto wonders if maybe that’s why he’s felt people’s eyes on him more and more as he’s gotten older. At least they aren’t sneering at him, or calling him names like they did when he was a child. He still feels a slight sting every time he thinks about the way he was treated as a kid. 

Sighing, he makes the mistake of looking up from the cup in his hand and for a moment his blue eyes lock with black ones across the room. Sasuke’s face holds none of the previous irritation he’d been showing; in fact he wears no expression at all and Naruto feels his ears start to burn, turning away before the blush can reach his cheeks, though he still feels the other man’s gaze upon him. _He’s probably just wondering why I’m not acting like the life of the party,_ he tells himself. __It’s crazy how much has changed… How much is still the same.__

He wonders if Sasuke will like him more now, that he’s calmed down and grown up a bit. Then again, he wonders if it even matters. Are they still friends anyway? Rivals? Anything at all? He knows that he still considers Sasuke a friend. More than that actually; he couldn't change it if he tried but the Uchiha is one of his most precious people. 

And the one person who has hurt him more than anyone else ever could. 

The pain Naruto felt as a kid- from the insults, from being ignored, from the fact that he literally had no one- doesn’t compare at all to the agony that Sasuke has caused him to feel over and over again, the worst being from the most recent time he left the village. It was about two weeks after the war ended (the war in which the two of them fought side by side before Sasuke disappeared again) that the black haired shinobi had shown up at the Konoha gates and allowed ANBU to arrest him. Sasuke had been pardoned without much trouble (after all his only crimes were running away when he was thirteen to eventually take down his brother Itachi -then recognized as an international criminal- and killing the traitorous Shimura Danzo) but after learning the truth about Itachi’s crimes from Sasuke, Naruto had convinced Tsunade to look into things and she ended up not only pardoning Itachi but also punishing the two council members involved with the Uchiha massacre. Things had changed between the two boys after that; Naruto finally felt that Sasuke respected him and Sasuke had seemed at peace for the first time in all the years Naruto had known him. A month later though, the Uchiha was gone. 

Naruto wonders why he’s back after three years, three years in which Naruto tried his best to forget him while breaking into smaller and smaller pieces every day. He’d promised himself that if he ever saw Sasuke again he’d beat the shit out of him for all the pain he caused. Yet here he is, in the same room with no explanation as to why he’s returned to the leaf village and Naruto is nervous at best, hands shaking. _When the hell did Sasuke become the type to show up at parties anyway?_ Taking a deep breath he lifts his cup to his lips and gulps the alcohol down, swiveling on his heels to go into the kitchen for a refill.

When he turns back- cup full again- to return to his spot, he sees black spiky hair and pale skin standing where he previously had been. Already halfway from the kitchen, Naruto decides to keep walking rather than turn around, slurping his sake as he takes hesitant steps towards the staircase. 

“Teme,” he greets the Uchiha before the other man can speak first. 

"Long time no see, dobe," the soft, deep voice replies, causing Naruto’s insides to churn with anxiety. 

_Why is he here? Why does he have to fucking be here?_ For what feels like the first time in his life, the blonde is speechless, unable to find the right words to say, unable to breathe properly. He purposefully stopped walking when he was still a couple feet away from his former teammate but still he finds the other’s scent assaulting him, a scent so intimately recognizable; he has to fight the conflicting urges to move closer and to run away, amazed that despite the black haired man being gone for so long again, despite all the anger that until a few seconds ago raged within him, he’s finding himself trapped and weak-kneed under Sasuke’s spell, as if a genjutsu was cast with the intent of turning him into a quivering pile of mush.

Busying his mouth with taking sips from his cup, Naruto glances up into the black depths of his former rival's eyes. They’re not cold the way they were before the war and when Sasuke was in the sound with Orochimaru, but they are indecipherable and empty of emotion.

"So…" Naruto starts, feeling foolish and weak, two traits that he knows Sasuke hates, and he finds himself wanting to disappear, despising himself for being so pathetic.

"Hey Naruto!" A familiar voice chirps, interrupting the boys’ awkward attempt at conversation with an almost contagious level of cheerfulness; it's Sakura, his childhood crush, his closest friend besides the man standing next to him. Naruto wants to kick himself for not wondering where she was, for not asking Sasuke immediately if she had accompanied him back to the village, but then he sees her look up at the Uchiha with something like love and adoration mixed together before she wraps her arms around his waist. Shockingly, Sasuke only shoots the girl a quick glance but doesn’t protest the public display of affection.

_Oh._

Naruto feels a spiky lump begin to grow in his throat as bright green eyes bore into him, expectant, waiting, and quickly he smiles at the pink haired girl because what else is there he can do? He knew when she left the village with the intent of finding Sasuke that there existed the off chance that this might happen, but after so many years of the black haired boy showing no interest in her, he’d convinced himself that her quest would likely end in disappointment one way or another. He thought that if Sasuke decided to come back for any particular person that it would be- No… He cuts the thought off quickly, not even allowing it to pass through his brain because what he thought doesn’t matter. What matters is what is actually happening and what’s happening is that Sakura is standing before him holding Sasuke in her arms and she looks so happy, so unbelievably happy. He tells himself that he’s glad to see her like this, even if it’s deep down, even if his immediate reaction is pain. 

He knows it’s a lie but he tells himself that it’s because of _her_ that he’s hurting, not _him_ , because he had loved her for years, and all she had ever sought after was the untouchable, inscrutable, and egotistic Uchiha... At least after years of rejection, of being ignored, she’s finally achieved what she’s wanted since they were children. Naruto can’t help but admire her for her determination.

He can’t help but be surprised Sasuke loves her though. He must love her, right?

"It feels like it’s been forever!" Sakura smiles, her cheek pressed against Sasuke’s chest.

"Yeah, it really does. You look great Sakura-chan.” Naruto grins, glad that it comes easier this time, his free hand raising up to meet the back of his head. He isn’t lying- she does look good - as elegant and cherry blossom pretty as she’s always been, but the hollowness he’d grown used to seeing in her during the two years before she followed Sasuke out of the village is now gone. She’s filled out again, regained the color in her face. 

"You look good too,” Sakura replies. "I think you’ve grown a few inches or something. And it’s only been, what, a year?” She rearranges her arm around Sasuke, gripping his low cut shirt in her fist and accidentally pulling the front down on one side, flashing his nipple for a second before tugging the garment straight again. 

"Yeah something like that…." Naruto responds without thinking because in that second in which Sakura pulls the Uchiha’s shirt askew, Naruto is in his apartment with Sasuke beneath him on the couch and arching up into him as he scrapes his teeth and flicks his tongue over that same nipple, petal pink against the fair flesh around it. And Naruto is shuddering at the sound of a moan that tells him ‘go on, more’ as he moves down, lapping at the milky white skin along his path… _Nononono No!_ He shakes his head to rid his mind of these thoughts, not even acknowledging whether they’re memory or fantasy.

Sakura is eyeing him funny now, a curious expression on her face. Sasuke looks at him too, impassive as always but Naruto throws them both the brightest grin he can manage. 

“I must be a little more drunk than I thought, heh. But yeah, a whole year I think.”

One year ago Sakura had told her friends that the Hokage was allowing her to leave the village to peruse and return Uchiha Sasuke. Naruto had begged Tsunade to be allowed to accompany her but the Hokage told him that he couldn’t be spared, that Sakura was being sent specifically because she was a medical nin; Naruto hadn’t told Sakura that he’d asked to join her anyway. For a year he worried about her in every passing moment of silence and hoped that Tsunade had made the right decision. Now he feels silly for being concerned; both of his friends are here, safe, Sakura having achieved her happiness. 

She deserves it, she she really does. 

Naruto shrugs the thoughts out of his head. "Felt like forever… So what made you guys return now?" he asks.

"Well, we had to come back to tell everyone the news. We want everybody there. You’ve probably already heard, right?” Sakura asks, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. Sasuke’s face remains stoic as usual, though his stare is so intense that the blonde unconsciously shrinks beneath it, trying not to shiver under the severe gaze – what does the Uchiha want from him? Is he hoping for some particular response? 

Before Naruto can admit that he missed whatever gossip is floating through town at the moment, Sakura raises her left hand up to his face. His eyes catch the sparkle first, before zeroing in on her slender finger, on the silver ring studded with several fiery opals that she’s now wearing. His breath leaves him. He almost chokes. Then, realizing how stupid he must look he fights to regain control of himself, to plaster a smile on his face and hide his trembling.

"Oh wow, congratulations Sakura-chan! I can't believe you guys are getting married!" At least that part is true, but Naruto's voice sounds hollow even to his own ears. He smiles anyway, determined to play the role of ecstatic friend, to show Sakura that he’s stoked for her, for her happiness...

Thankfully Sakura doesn’t seem to notice the falseness in his voice; she merely blushes a deeper shade of red, her bejeweled hand returning to clutch Sasuke's arm possessively. 

Sasuke and Sakura- engaged… To be married… If it wasn’t for the fact that they were standing in each others arms in front of him, a ring on Sakura’s finger, Naruto isn’t sure he’d believe it. His teammates- the two people he cares about more than anyone else- they’re getting married, pledging their lives to each other. He tells himself that he shouldn’t mind- that this is obviously how things were meant to turn out from the beginning. 

Marriage. 

Still, Naruto can’t seem to shake his state of disbelief. His two teammates are getting fucking hitched. The two that he learned with and trained with and fought with and alongside- They’re getting married. They are going to commit themselves thoroughly to one another, once again leaving Naruto the odd one out, the third wheel… But as long as Sakura’s happy, he should be happy too, right? And Sakura has been in love with Sasuke for so long, suffered so much because of him- she deserves to be happy. He decides to say just that. 

"Thank you, Naruto.” Sakura replies, “That means more to me than you know.” She eyes Naruto with a new fondness; she knows of his feelings for her and wonders if he ever got past them. Not that they were ever mutual. Thinking back, she realizes that she had often been unjustifiably cruel towards him, always too obsessed with Sasuke to pay any attention to the hurt she may have caused her other teammate. In the wake of his display of maturity she determines to make it up to him, though she knows she’s already been forgiven. Naruto has never been one to hold a grudge; hell, he almost immediately forgave Sasuke for trying to kill him when they were thirteen. He’s always been merciful, always compassionate- she can’t help but admire him now, respect him.

She’s about to speak her feelings when Kakashi-sensei suddenly appears in a puff of white smoke next to Naruto; immediately, Yuhi Kurenai, the only other older generation jonin level ninja at the party, begins walking over to them. 

"Yo!" Kakashi greets everyone. 

“How did I not know you’d be several hours late,” Kurenai sighs.”I feel like a grandma, here by myself.”

Kakashi smiles at his students, then turns to her. "Sorry, I got lost on the way here, and then this old lady-“

"Just come talk to me when you’re done.” The dark haired woman interrupts before the other jonin can get any further in his excuse. “Haruno-san, Uchiha-san, congratulations on your engagement.” 

Sakura expresses her thanks while beside her, Sasuke simply nods. 

"So how is my favorite within-team couple?" Kakashi winks with his uncovered eye, tucking his Icha Icha book into a pocket of his flak jacket. 

Naruto rolls his eyes. "They're your only within-team couple..."

"Ah! Crap, I forgot I’m supposed to be helping Ino with the dessert!" Sakura cringes, finally and reluctantly detaching from Sasuke’s arm. She smiles up at him though, before rushing towards the direction of the kitchen.

"So, Sasuke,” Kakashi begins a conversation with the Uchiha as Naruto returns to drinking, allowing his attention to fade out. 

He let’s himself remember the day he found out that Sasuke left, a day he remembers far too well. He was still seventeen, and he was sitting at the Ichiraku ramen shop with Iruka-sensei, when Kakashi-sensei had showed up, asking if either of them had seen Sasuke. Naruto had admitted that the last time he’d seen the black haired boy was three days earlier leaving out what had occurred between the two of them. He hadn’t been immediately worried, figuring that Sasuke needed some time to himself to reflect, maybe to forget. Though Naruto didn’t feel this way himself, he’d decided that if Sasuke determined that they had made a mistake he would go along. 

After leaving Iruka he’d walked to the Uchiha compound, to the spot where Sasuke would go to camp out whenever he needed space, Kakashi’s words beginning to bother him. When he got there there was no sigh of a tent or any possessions at all, the clearing empty. Sasuke was gone. Naruto hadn’t been too surprised, though it concerned him that the ordeal between the two of them had affected the Uchiha to the point of making him leave. That had to be it, right? What else would make him disappear so soon after returning home?

He told himself that everything would be ok. That Sasuke would be back after a few more days, weeks at most. But he didn’t come back, not after a month or even a year. On top of that no one had reported even seeing him, and he hadn’t sent a single letter assuring them that he was alright. Naruto pictured him captured, injured, dead; the worry kept him awake at night and during the day he did nothing but train for hours until he was too exhausted to move, too exhausted to think, because in the back of his mind he had started to wonder if what they did was really so terrible, terrible enough to make Sasuke run away… If it really was his fault that Sasuke had disappeared.

"It’s amazing that she found you so soon. You two must really be soulmates after all!" Kakashi's voice jolts Naruto back to the present where he finds that the other two men are chatting idly about the day Sakura had found Sasuke, the places they’d gone together, when they’d agreed to marry and when they’d decided to return to Konoha. Naruto feels himself bristle, even as he feels the pull of curiosity towards what had happened exactly between his two friends. 

“Sakura is a very special girl. I’m sure you know already that she’ll make a wonderful wife,” Kakashi says. 

"Hn," is Sasuke’s only reply; he hasn’t said anything about Sakura at all, Naruto notices, much less anything about their relationship or engagement. 

"Nah, Sakura's way too good for him!" Naruto decides to jokingly butt in, ignoring the uncomfortable feelings swirling around inside of him. When Sasuke doesn’t even flinch he determines to take things further.

“To be honest, I'm surprised Sakura actually agreed to marry a cold-hearted bastard like you,” the blonde says, glaring into Sasuke’s empty black eyes. “I mean, what’s the point of being with a person who doesn’t even know how to love?" Naruto sneers, his tone icier than he had intended and he’s forced to admit to himself that he wants to wound Sasuke, wants to tear down his stone walls and make him bleed. 

The Uchiha’s expression remains unchanged. “You’re a fool, Naruto,” he says, no emotion tainting the flat clarity of his voice, “and you know nothing so stop acting as if you do.” 

Naruto blinks, slightly hurt. He hadn't expected a reply, certainly not for things to turn around on him, but then again, he had no reason to think his words could touch the untouchable? He winces as Sasuke brushes past him, walking away in the direction in which Sakura left. Leaving again. 

Naruto can’t deny the ache he feels inside, starting in his chest and radiating out through his body, pain that he knows comes from Sasuke’s refusal to acknowledge their past together, and the future they could have had. Pain that comes from Sasuke not even being sorry for leaving, for replacing him with Sakura, even though he knows Sakura can provide the Uchiha with so much more than he can, that it’s the most logical thing for them to be together. Naruto tells himself that he needs to start thinking logically instead of with his emotions; he’s a ninja after all, that’s how a shinobi should think automatically, and he feels ashamed for not having his feelings under control. 

Still, the pain persist- a dull knife pressed against his heart. Slipping past Kakashi-sensei, not bothering to check if that one expressive eye is on him, Naruto sets his cup down on a table near the front door and walks out of the party. 


	2. The Time and Space Between Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bam! Chapter Two is here. Sorry I took so long to update but I revised this many times and kept adding and subtracting things. Stuff is revealed here. I was gonna go one way with this but these assholes want to do their own thing so this, what I give you, is the result of that. Hope you enjoy and please leave me a review letting me know if you like it. I reply to all detailed reviews. Be warned this chapter is quite lengthy and contains a description of dubcon het sex, a depiction of some rather dispassionate het sex and two separate instances of masturbation so if dicks or sex offends you this is not your story. Top quote is Brand New "Not the Sun" *Rick Sanchez voice* "And heeeeere weeeee go!

_You set on me_

_But you are not the sun_

Two get-togethers in two days- Naruto has barely participated in either and he still feels worn out, worn down, not like himself. When was the last time, though, that he felt like himself? He sighs heavily, trying to ignore the ache in his chest as he leans against the bathroom door.

It’s crazy, he has to admit, that he’s in the Uchiha district, in Sasuke’s house. Not the gigantic traditional style house that he grew up in (Naruto isn’t surprised that his rival refuses to sleep under the roof of the building in which he found his parents slain) but a more modern home previously belonging to an aunt and uncle, one of several, including the main house previously owned by Uchiha Fugaku, that Tsunade had arranged to be rebuilt or refurbished after the damage they suffered during Pain’s attack.

Naruto had made the suggestion once the war was over, his reason being that Sasuke should be able to do something with the property left to him when his clan was murdered. He’d been determined then that his friend would actually return to the village this time, and when he was proven to be correct, the Hokage had agreed to grant his request. Now the construction is finished and the Uchiha is back and Naruto knows that he should feel proud of himself for his hand in making sure that his friend has a home. He learned several years ago, though, that what should be and what is rarely align in reality, as is the case now; he feels nothing, and Sasuke seems like he’s still a million miles away.

After what happened the previous night, Sasuke has barely even looked in his direction. Naruto supposes that he deserves it; he was unnecessarily mean, and he certainly deserved the scolding Sasuke had given him but he had hoped the incident would be forgotten today. Instead when he knocked on the door of the house, only to be greeted by Sasuke himself, the black haired man had let him in without a word, looking straight through him. 

Naruto goes to the sink and splashes cold water water on his face in an attempt to quell the anger burning under his skin. When he straightens up and looks at himself in the mirror, eyes dilating rapidly in the dim light, he notices that their usual bright blue appears cloudy and dark, dark like his mood. Dark like the depths of the emptiness inside him that has seemingly opened wider with Sasuke and Sakura’s return.

It takes a moment for him to gather his frayed nerves. He takes a deep breath, flashing his reflection a wide smile. It looks fake, forced. He looks like he feels- like he’s losing it. 

Damn Sasuke. This is his fault… Some best friend. 

_Come on, Naruto, get a fucking grip,_ he tells himself _,_ feeling weary _, at least for Sakura’s sake…_

/

“Sorry I took so long,” Naruto says, hopping over the banister of the staircase to land in a crouch, pulling his face into a grin as he stands up, the façade he’s spent so long perfecting sliding perfectly into place. For a second he wonders if he let it drop for a while, if anyone would even notice, and if he’s actually fooling anyone now, if anyone really cares. 

"I hope you didn’t start without me.” His stomach growls in time with his words. 

Sakura smiles from where she kneels, setting covered dishes on the low table. "We wouldn't dare.” She laughs. "I haven’t forgotten how much you like to pig out on other people’s cooking.” She had decided to prepare a private dinner for her original teammates – just Naruto and Kakashi invited, along with herself and her fiancé, wherever he is. 

“Hey, Naruto,” she says, causing the blonde to halt halfway between the stairs and the table. “Can you fetch Sasuke from outside? I think he’s out back. Kakashi-sensei should be here any minute.” 

Right then there’s a knock at the door and Sakura jumps to her feet to go answer it before Naruto can suggest that they switch tasks. Irritation pricking at his shoulder blades and along his sides he walks to the back of the house and opens the sliding door that leads to outside. He’s surprised to be met with steps that lead down into a garden, in need of some maintenance but beautiful nonetheless in its wildness, and a small trail that leads to a koi pond large enough for several fish.

He finds Sasuke there, on his knees beside the circular shaped pool and Naruto goes to stand beside him, not minding the silence, as this time it seems to indicate a lack of discomfort felt towards his presence. He knows that if Sasuke wanted him to leave, he would’ve immediately said something, so he stays. Pleased that his friend is allowing him to just be here, so close, it takes a minute or two before he realizes that there is no life beneath the surface of the water. 

“You should get some fish,” Naruto states his thoughts automatically, his raspy voice fracturing the quiet. Sasuke does not reply, but when the blonde turns to look at him he sees the Uchiha slowly nod, a rare expressions of sadness on his face, all posturing from the previous night gone. 

“This has actually been here,” Sasuke says eventually, “since I was a little kid. My brother and I used to come visit my relatives who lived here at least once a week. I liked the koi a lot. Itachi… He would laugh at me because I’d try to pet them.” 

“Oh,” Naruto breathes, surprised to hear Sasuke mention his brother fondly, his voice so gentle, and he wants nothing more than to make this moment last a bit longer… Sasuke looks so beautiful, his pale skin glowing in the delicate rays of moonlight; when he looks at Naruto, large dark eyes expectant, rose petal lips pulled into a line, the blonde feels the oxygen flee his lungs. 

“What are you doing out here?” The black haired man asks finally, the sorrow gone from his elegant features but he doesn’t scowl, nor does he look upon the other with the coldness he expected to receive. 

“Sa-Sakura, um,” Naruto stammers, clears his throat, embarrassed that just looking at the other man can throw him off so badly. “Sakura told me to come get you so we can eat.”

“Tell her I’ll be inside in a second. You guys start without me.” Sasuke turns back to looking at the water, dismissing his companion without a word and Naruto finds himself automatically walking back to the house, only snapping back to reality when he’s inside again, closing the sliding door behind him. 

_What the hell was that?_

“Is he coming, Naruto?” 

“Sakura-chan, sorry,” Naruto blinks at the pink haired woman and silver haired man both seated on cushions at the table. “He said he’ll be inside in a second but that we can go ahead and start.”

“Oh,” Sakura smiles. “Ok, well then let’s eat.” 

Naruto goes to take a seat next to his former sensei. He’d been half expecting the pink haired woman to clobber him over the head for not doing exactly as she had asked, though he doesn’t know why he’s so surprised when she doesn’t. She’s changed since the war, become more kind, more mature. It makes sense to him why Sasuke fell in love with her; in fact Naruto finds himself puzzled as to why his own feelings for the girl he’d been so enamored with for years started disappearing since he first returned from his travels with Jiraiya.

"Naruto, are you ok?" Sakura asks, noticing the frown on his face. 

"Oh yeah, of course!" Naruto snaps his head up, grinning at the kunoichi and purposefully speaking a little too loud. "Why wouldn't I be, Sakura-chan?" 

He watches her for a few more seconds, feigning ignorance while inside he scolds himself for letting his mask slip. He’s definitely losing it, losing it bad. And it’s Sasuke’s fault, he knows, not that he would ever admit that. He sees Kakashi-sensei raise an eyebrow at him but pretends to ignore the man, hoping that he doesn’t say anything, especially since last night he was right there to witness the spat between his two former students.

"So what's for dinner?" Naruto asks, leaning over the table, trying to see through the glass coverings over the dishes, only to be teasingly smacked across the head by Kakashi. 

"Calm down, Naruto. You know, you haven't really changed at all have you?" Kakashi says, amusement apparent in his voice as he pokes the blonde in the side. "You may have lost all your baby fat but you’re still all about food.” 

“So what?” Naruto says, slapping away the grinning jounin’s hand and sticking out his tongue in the same manner as he did when he was only five years old. Some things about him, thankfully, really haven’t changed; he certainly doesn’t have to fake his love for food. He watches with wide eyes as Sakura begins taking the lids away from the food dishes, revealing white rice, a blend of noodles, beef and vegetables, and some sort of stewed tomato creation that she explains was made specifically for Sasuke, but that the others are welcome to it as well. 

"Wow, Sakura-chan, this looks amazing!" Naruto tries not to drool as he loads up his plate; he let’s the two others talk and catch up as he eats in silence, shoveling food into his mouth so that he can think without being bothered. He wonders why Sasuke isn’t coming in to eat, if it’s painful for him to celebrate and go about normal activities in a house that held such death. _Or maybe,_ he allows himself to consider, _it’s because I’m here._ But then he thinks about what happened outside, how open Sasuke had been, and he decides that can’t be the case. Things are awkward and uncertain, yes, but that doesn’t mean the Uchiha hates him. Naruto doesn’t know what he would do if Sasuke hated him 

He’s about to start digging in to his second helping of everything, including the tomatoes, when Sasuke finally steps inside through the back door, removing his sandals and going to wash his hands before coming to sit beside Sakura, and across from Naruto at the table. The blonde feels the other’s eyes on him and refuses to look up, pretending to be utterly engrossed in enjoying his meal. Thankfully Kakashi speaks:

“Nice to finally see the man of the house. How are you, Sasuke?” 

“Hn, fine,” the low voice replies. “Yourself?” 

The silver haired man shrugs. “I’m about the same as I was last night.” 

The conversation continues at a much more stilted pace, with Naruto barely saying anything and Sasuke contributing even less. They finish dinner and a dessert of ice cream which the black haired man refuses, and then Sakura and Sasuke both disappear into the kitchen to clean up and wash the dishes. 

“Sakura’s already got him trained and everything,” Naruto chuckles to his former sensei, trying to act normal after his unusual behavior during the meal. He doesn’t want to talk about Sasuke, let alone think about him, but the joke was so easy, and it came into his head automatically. He’s used to laughing and joking around and if he stopped completely for a night, especially when he should be so overjoyed at the return of his two closest friends, they’d probably start asking him who he was really and what he’d done with Uzumaki Naruto. So he speaks gently mocking words and waits but no laughter comes. 

"Hmm, he does seem awfully quiet today, don't you think?" Kakashi asks instead, just loud enough for the blonde to hear. Naruto forces his expression to remain calm and simply shrugs his shoulders as the jounin eyes him with curiosity, as if suspecting him of having something to do with Sasuke’s silence. 

"Does he? I haven't noticed,” Naruto replies even though he knows it’s obvious that he’s lying. 

"Well, it’s nice to see you two not fighting.” Kakashi says carefully, keeping his uncovered eye trained on the uncomfortable looking shinobi next to him. 

"There’s nothing for us to be fighting about,” Naruto grumbles, hating that he’s been caught and that Kakashi doesn’t seem willing to let it go. 

"Well, as long as things are better between the two of you than they were last night.” Kakashi smiles behind his mask, still watching Naruto. When the blonde doesn’t say anything else he sighs. “It sucks when things don’t work out the way we want. But I’m proud of you for how you’ve been taking things, especially today.” 

Despite the little outburst that occurred between Naruto and Sasuke at Ino’s last night, he’s surprised by the maturity the blonde shinobi has shown regarding the Uchiha’s engagement. He knows that Naruto has loved Sasuke for years, that it wasn’t mere platonic friendship or a simple promise to Sakura that caused him to spend years chasing after the black haired boy in an attempt to bring him home. And for the short amount of time after the war that Sasuke had been back in Konoha it had seemed like the two boys were going to end up together; it was clear to Kakashi at least that Sasuke felt the same was as Naruto did. But then he left…

At his side, Naruto winces. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Kakashi feels the pain radiating from the younger male and decides to say nothing else. 

/

Naruto surprises himself by spending another two hours in the Uchiha household. Sitting in the large, open living room, they lounge on two spacious couches and catch up. It’s mostly Sakura and Naruto talking and laughing; Kakashi excused himself soon after they ate, giving his thanks to the couple as he left, and Sasuke sits silent and still with Sakura draped halfway across him. But other than the Uchiha’s absence from the conversation, it feels like old times. 

After all, Sakura and Naruto are used to keeping each other company without Sasuke being there, and they talk about anything that comes to mind. The only topic they seem to avoid is the elephant in the room that is the engagement; otherwise they discuss everything from Rock Lee’s eyebrows, to Kakashi’s inability to keep a girlfriend, to the fact that Neji is finally able to take B and A rank missions again after having to spend years rehabilitating from the nearly fatal injuries he suffered during the war. 

"Speaking of the Hyuga clan, have you asked out Hinata yet?" Sakura asks, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, not noticing at all that Sasuke stops observing the patterns in the ceiling to focus on the conversation at hand. 

Naruto sees Sasuke looking at him but refuses to return his gaze. “Eh, Hinata?” he asks, his nose crinkling in confusion. 

The pink-haired woman gapes back at him, looking bewildered. "How have you not made a move yet? You have to know that she’s had a crush on you since forever!"

“I know about it.” The blonde chuckles, trying to shake off the discomfort he feels. “She told me before protecting me from Pain. I just can’t be like… Like _that_ with her.” 

“And why not?” Sakura asks. 

Naruto feels heat rushing to his cheeks and roughly rings his hands in front of him. “I just can’t ok.” 

“Oooooh,” Sakura sits up fully, eyes bright as she points an accusatory finger at the blonde. “You like someone else don’t you.” 

Naruto’s eyes flit to Sasuke for a second; black eyes meet blue and in that moment he knows that he’s not the only one feeling this uncomfortable tightness in his chest. 

“No,” he says firmly, finally addressing Sakura’s question though his eyes still linger on the man at her side. “There’s no one else. I just don’t have those feelings for her and that’s all there is to it.”

“Ok…” Sakura mumbles, not expecting to be shut down so roughly. 

Naruto looks to his hands, still twisting around each other, then to the floor. 

It’s too much. Everything... Sasuke…

He didn't think it would be like this. All those dreams, all those countless scenarios that had played furiously through his mind. None of those had prepared him for this intensity of feeling that consumes him in the same manner as Kurama’s fiery chakra. And the feeling scares him. 

He realizes that he has to leave, he has to go now, before anything can happen that he might regret. Before Sakura realizes that things are not the way she thinks they are. Before the happy couple stops being a happy couple and it’s all his fault. 

Before he cracks under the pressure... Before history can have even the slightest chance to repeat itself...

"Hey, uh, Sakura-chan, I think I better leave now. It's getting late and I promised to help Iruka-sensei with some stuff at The Academy in the morning. But thanks for inviting me over and dinner was great.” Naruto grins and stands up, one hand going up to scratch the back of his head.

"Awww, already? Can't you stay a little bit longer?" Sakura glances at the clock hanging on the wall.. "It’s only ten, come on.”

Naruto forces out a laugh. "I would really love to but I'm really tired. And you know Iruka-sensei… He doesn't like it when I'm late.”

"Well could you come visit again? Maybe the day after tomorrow. You can help me plan the engagement party!” Sakura suggests, her green eyes bright. 

Naruto looks away, the food he ate not helping him feel any better as his stomach twists with guilt. "I, uh, I'm not sure… I think I'm busy that day.”

"Come on Naruto! What's more important than us, your teammates?" Sakura begs, a hint of desperation in her voice. Surprising herself, she realizes that she does want him to help, that she’s missed him more than she ever thought possible even though she was only gone for a year. Missed his warmth, missed his energy, missed the light that he represents. And she’s kinda missed having someone to talk to...

"But it's an engagement party… Shouldn't you two plan it yourselves?” Naruto asks, still confused as to why she’d want him there. Then again, assisting with planning a party is the last thing thing he can picture Sasuke doing.

Sakura doesn’t reply to that, can’t without revealing what she knows he’s probably somewhat aware of, but her pride will not let her admit it, especially with Sasuke sitting right beside her. Then again, her blonde teammate has never been very observant; there’s a chance he doesn’t realize that things between her and Sasuke aren’t exactly as she’d like them to be.

“Please,” is all she says. 

"I…" Naruto sighs, feels his resolve slightly slip before he grabs a hold on it again. "I'm- I'm sorry but I just can’t. I have really important things to do.”

He knows that he can’t afford to back down, that he has to go, to start avoiding _him_ before it’s too late to apologize, too late to regret.

"But you'll be here for the party right?" Sakura asks, her eyes hopeful. Naruto looks away- he can’t do this- then back at her. 

“Sure, Sakura-chan,” he says, feeling utterly defeated. “I’ll be there.” 

/

Back in his apartment, Naruto tries to calm the storm raging in his head and go straight to sleep but he can’t stop thinking. About Sakura and how little she knows and about Kakashi-sensei and how much he seems to know and if he can be trusted and about Sasuke staring at him and possibly still wanting him. That there might still be a chance- the thought makes his chest tingle, and lights up his brain like an exploding firework, but he quickly shakes off the possibility, feeling a bit wrong for entertaining it. That would hurt Sakura, _kill_ Sakura and he doesn’t want to be responsible for that. 

Still, he can’t help thinking of Sasuke sitting outside by the empty koi pond earlier that night, how he looked like an otherworldly presence, so gorgeous but so breathtakingly sad. And then he thinks of Sasuke before he left Konoha for the second time, how he would give Naruto these small real smiles instead of smirks, and how his actual laugh sounded. How his hands were cold but his lips were warm and his skin when Naruto slid a hand beneath the waistband of his pants, was hot. 

_No!_ His brain screams at him, _no, no, no,_ but it’s too late to stop the warm knot from forming low in his belly and he wonders when the torture is going to end, when he’s going to fall out of love and attraction and just be left with that unbreakable, powerful bond that’s so much easier to deal with than fucking _feelings_. Because it’s feelings responsible for all the times he touched himself thinking of the black haired _asshole_ while he was gone and feelings responsible for how his hand is now slipping into his shorts to wrap around the aching hardness of his cock. 

Wanting to get this over with and reach orgasm as quickly as possible, he strokes himself hard and fast, just focusing on the building sensations, the way his toes curl, hips bucking up into his hand. He moans out loud when he drags him thumb over the slick head, causing his concentration to shatter just long enough for him to realize how badly he wishes he wasn’t alone and that the fingers between his legs were instead slender and pale. The thought of Sasuke touching him sends him over the edge and he shudders with the intensity of his climax, cum spurting into his hand, a name forming in silence on his lips. 

/

 _This bed is way too big_ , Sakura mentally complains of the imported king sized mattress in the master bedroom of the house. Laying on her stomach, she reaches out a hand to touch her fiancé but her fingertips don’t even brush his back; he seems to be curled up on the very edge of the bed, as far away from her as possible. She huffs, irritation burning her skin and for a moment she wants to cry but she takes a deep breath, deciding to first check if he’s awake and if not- well if not she can scoot over to him. She wants to be held, to feel his strong arms around her in a protective embrace, but never once in the month since they became engaged has he held her in bed. They haven’t even made love since then, in fact she’s only been able to get him to have sex with her twice since she found him hiding out in the Land of Wind.

The first time was soon after she found him, while nursing him back to health from both injuries and an illness that left him incredibly weak and unable to physically refuse her when she’d climbed on top of him and assured him that she’d do all the work, to which his only response had been, “do what you want.” The second time had been a bit better and happened the week before they became engaged; he’d woken up one morning apologetic for his lack of physical affection and promising to do better. Then he kissed her like he’d never kissed her before, like he really meant what he said which led to her requesting intimacy. He’d obliged and surprised her by lowering his head between her legs to pleasure her, after which he fucked her quickly, not even cumming himself before getting dressed and going into town to find work for the day. 

Since then, nothing. 

Half the time Sakura tells herself that this is just how Sasuke is; he’s always been emotionally distant and cold in her opinion, despite whatever closeness has developed between them from their year away from the village together, so she figures it makes sense that he’s physically and sexually frigid as well. The rest of the time, tonight included, she’s decides that this just isn’t normal- that a man, especially after committing himself to a woman in such a serious manner as engagement, should be more than willing to open up a little in the bedroom. _It’s not like I’m asking for anything crazy,_ she thinks, which lights a fire under her, threatening to burn her up with anger if she doesn’t at least try to get what she wants. 

“Sasuke!” She whisper-shouts at the back that’s turned to her, watching as he twitches, shoulders stiffening. _Of course he’s awake_. “Sasuke, I know you’re not sleeping so don’t you dare ignore me.” She speaks at normal volume now and this time she hears him release a gentle sigh before he turns over in the bed to face her.

For a moment she’s struck mute, thanking the gods for letting this beautiful boy be hers and no one else’s because he really is just _beautiful_ , staring at her with an expectant look in his black eyes, his delicately shaped mouth pursed in a pouty frown. He’s thinking intensely, she notices, from the downward slant of his neat eyebrows, and instead of speaking, she waits for him to voice his thoughts. He doesn't oblige her.

“What is it?” Is all he asks, his voice dull and tired. She only motions with her finger for him to come closer and surprisingly he does so without asking why, worming his way into the center of the mattress. 

Sasuke stops replaying the night’s earlier conversations to focus on this… This task that is ahead of him. He knows that Sakura wants intimacy, and being with her is his duty now, right? He’s always felt bound to things that he considers his duty so he kisses her and caresses the sloping mounds of her breasts and then flattens his hand to slide it up under her nightgown and then down the front of her lace panties. As dips his fingers into the source of her wetness and starts to fondle the soft folds of skin, the small bump of her clitoris and she starts to fondle the unfortunate limp-ness that is his cock, he finds himself wondering when she started wearing lace underwear and if she actually likes the material, or if like almost every thing else, she’s just trying to please him.

As she touches him he wishes the hand on his flesh was warm and large instead of cold and delicately small; just picturing the blonde idiot, though, makes his blood stir in his veins and his flesh comes to life and the look that crosses Sakura’s face shows that she’s possibly even more pleased with herself than she is with him. Sasuke just closes his eyes and allows her to divest him of his boxers and mount him, knowing that with just three syllables the satisfied look on her face would disappear and her entire world would change completely. Fitting, he thinks, that the last member of the genjutsu mastering Uchiha clan would be responsible for maintaining a most delicate illusion created without even using a drop of chakra.

The guilt makes his stomach hurt; though he’s picturing Naruto the whole time (and perhaps because he is) he doesn’t cum this time either. This time though, when she’s finished with him- collapsing onto her side of the bed with a contented sigh of, “that was amazing,” and a smile playing with her lips as her eyes close with exhaustion- he tells her that he’s going outside by the pond. 

“The nice koi pond?” She giggles a bit, sounding likes she’s teetering on the edge of sleep. “Ok, Sasuke.” 

He realizes that she’s only ever looked at it from the doorway and doesn’t even realize that it’s empty. He grits his teeth, pulls his robe on. “Yes, that one. I’ll be back in a minute.” This time Sakura doesn’t reply. 

Outside the air is cool on his flushed face and he takes a deep breath, trying to calm the storm of irritation, self loathing, and utter _frustration_ darkening his mind like clouds in a thunder storm, as he goes to kneel by the pond. He thought that this would help, this black empty nothingness, but he can’t stop picturing sunny hair, eyes bright like ocean water, warm calloused hand caressing his skin. His erection still throbs, oozing a bit onto his thigh- almost painful and begging to be dealt with, so after a few minutes of uselessly wishing it away, he rocks back onto his heels and let’s himself fall into a sitting position, stretching his legs out on front of him.

Letting his mind run with whatever images it wants to bring forth as his left hand pumps his leaking cock, Sasuke allows his mouth to form the sounds that make up the three syllable name he was so careful not to utter inside. It doesn’t take long for him to find release; it sneaks up on him, the suddenness and force of his orgasm knocking the wind out of him. For a second he simply sits there, panting, looking down at his naked lower body with his robe gathered up at his hips and his penis shrinking in his hand. Then he lifts his gaze to the grass between his legs, watching the slimy ropes of semen sliding down the blades to pool in the dirt; he feels a flash of disgust and then nothing. 

He wipes the cum still on his hand onto a clean patch of grass beside him and then pushes himself up off the ground until he’s standing. As he adjusts his robe, he finds himself staring at the spot which Naruto had occupied earlier in the night, as if wishing him to appear. Sasuke can’t help but smirk a bit; though he didn’t join the conversation between the dobe and Sakura it was nice to see the blonde looking so joyful and alive, even if it had nothing to do with him. But then, Sakura had mentioned Hinata and… 

Something clicks all of a sudden, what he had been pondering earlier when in bed with Sakura- then an incomplete thought- suddenly comes to him in full. He feels sick, dizzy, angry; he had intended to sleep in the guest room once he returned inside but now he climbs the stairs to the master bedroom which still smells of sex, the air heavy. For a moment he tells himself that this conversation can wait until morning, but the wire of anxiety coiling inside him says otherwise, so he rouses Sakura with a gentle shake to the shoulder. 

Apparently only in a light sleep, she blinks once and then looks at him, confusion pulling at her features as she briefly yawns. 

“Sasuke, what’s wrong?”

“I need to know something,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to keep the emotions surging through him out of his voice. “When you found me, a year ago, why did you tell me that Naruto and Hinata were together.” 

“What?” Sakura props herself up on her elbows, one pale pink eyebrow quirking up. “Why does it even matter?” 

Sasuke feels his jaw twitch with irritation. “Just tell me why you said they were dating, but then tonight asked Naruto if he’d even asked her out.” 

“Oh,” Sakura’s expression returns to one of neutral sleepiness which causes the black haired man to become confused. “Well, after you left Naruto and Hinata spent a lot of time together. Maybe not every day, but I thought they were definitely together, especially after one time I found them out near the training fields and she was holding him. He had his head rested on her chest and she had her arms around him- it looked very romantic to me.”

When Sasuke says nothing, she continues. “I told you because he’s your best friend and I figured you’d be interested to know that he was dating someone nice. But then when we got back, I ran into Hinata when I was buying groceries and asked her how she and Naruto were doing and she looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. She said that they were just friends, but she was blushing like crazy so I figured… Well, that’s why I asked Naruto if he’d asked her out. It’s so weird that they’re not a couple, don’t you think?” 

Sasuke doesn’t respond, no, he feels as if he can’t breathe. He was expecting for Sakura to get irritated, for her to lie to him or say that she’d made up the two of them together in order to get him to be with her… He wouldn’t put something like that past her, but now he feels bad for even thinking it. 

But this, this horrible misunderstanding- it was the reason he allowed himself to be with Sakura in the first place. Because he believed that Naruto had moved on with someone else. But he hadn’t. He _hasn’t_ and that could mean that maybe… Maybe he still feels the same way that he did before, before Sasuke left. And if he does, then…

Sasuke lifts his hands to cover his face, fingertips pressing hard against his forehead; the slight pain is the only thing keeping him grounded. Keeping him from leaping out the window and taking a path along the rooftops to Naruto’s apartment to ask him, ‘Do you? Do you still- ’

But then there’s the chance that he doesn’t; after all he’s been acting abnormally distant, not joking with or trying to get a rise out of the black haired man the way Sasuke had expected him to. He knows that Naruto is angry with him for leaving, though. A small piece of him hopes that Naruto is also angry because he’s jealous, because of Sakura. 

Sakura… Then there’s still the issue of his engagement. It would destroy her, if Sasuke ended it, but if Naruto… Gods, this is a mess. Sasuke feels overwhelmed to an extent that he thought he’d never feel again after avenging his family. 

When he opens his eyes, his fiancé is staring at him with concern. She reaches a hand out to him, “Sasuke, are you alright?” 

He steps back from her but looks her in the eye, those bright green eyes that have always followed him, worshipped and adored him. Cried for him. 

“I need some space,” he says, dropping his hands to his sides and turning to walk out of the room, down the stairs to the guest bedroom. Only once he’s alone, cut off, does he allow the salty water stinging the corners of his eyes to fall. 

“Fuck!”

He wipes the tears away before they hit his cheeks. 


	3. Ways To Kill Some Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter before things begin to explode. Like literally, pun intended- I'm a horny dude and I feel like a dog scratching it's ear and whining cause the itch is still there. Sorry if that doesn't not sense maketh. Also, I'm sorry that I took so long to update but I almost ripped my head off writing this- I kept having to add shit. There is so much exposition and storytelling here, and it's not as fun writing from Sauce's perspective but I needed to do him a solid for sitting through the first two chapters and not doing much. 
> 
> I like to write wise and accepting Tsunade and ptsd self loathing Sasuke. So that's what you get. Sorry everything is still so Fucked Up between the boys right now. Only gonna get worse. And better. But also worse. 
> 
> Quote is from Brand New like last time, "Handcuffs." I'm just putting quotes that I feel in my soul. Please review- they feed my lonely soul. Now- Autobots, let's roll out.

_It’s hard to be the better man  
When you forget you’re trying_

Lying on his back in bed, hands resting on his stomach and fingers laced, Naruto tries to ignore the creeping dread hovering with the intensity of a physical presence along the outline of his body. He hasn’t been able to stop his mind from lingering on a certain lone Uchiha, and on a certain series of moments involving him- specifically the sensations he recalls clearly enough to almost _feel_ them: Sasuke’s pale skin against his, goose-bumped in the air conditioning, cool and dry in sharp contrast with the feverish slickness of his arousal which every few seconds brushed against Naruto's own with a friction that could only be described as heavenly; a burning wet mouth on his neck; the gliding of teeth over the most sensitive areas of flesh. Beginning to tent the fabric of his boxers, his half hard cock twitches. He’s already dealt with this issue once today and doesn’t want to have to deal with the internally directed embarrassment of having to do so again. 

“Fuck!” He brings his hands up to his eyes, pressing down hard, as if he can push the feelings away but all it does is worsen his already developing headache. 

_I should have never told him how I felt. Shit, I shouldn't have let myself even get to that point. Should’ve… I dunno, kept my eyes closed when I was around him or something._

He has to laugh a bit at that, a sarcastic huff; he knows that when it comes to Sasuke he’s never had a choice: whether it was to spend years chasing after him, or watching him closely when they sparred for a reason other than simply anticipating his movements, or even pulling him so close as they kissed intentionally for the first time, so close that he couldn’t tell where he ended and Sasuke began. No, he never had any choice as to his behavior involving the Uchiha; everything just _had_ to happen. He wonders if Sasuke felt the same way back then, back before he left, before the engagement. 

_How could he go and do this?_

Naruto wants to shout the words, though he knows that the walls of his small apartment, despite what they were witness to three years ago, do not have the answers he seeks. Only Sasuke knows; only Sasuke knows why he’s currently betrothed to a girl he never had the time of day for previously. And as the black haired man was so kind to remind Naruto the other night at Ino’s house, Naruto knows nothing. 

He finally sits up in his bed, looking over at the clock- it’s nine in the morning- before letting his head fall into his hands. In about twelve hours the engagement party will begin, an event he told Sakura he would be there for, and he realizes, despite that every fiber of his being is telling him not to go, that he doesn’t have the heart to let his pink haired friend down. If he was the one getting engaged, it’d kill him for her not to show up. Even if, though he knows her feelings, he was engaged to…

_Nope. No, no, hell no._

He’s about to stand up, to go take a cold shower in order to keep his body from acting up further when he hears knocking at his front door. When he does stand, dizziness rushes in to fog his brain and cloud his vision; he realizes he hasn’t had anything to eat or drink since the day before yesterday. In fact he didn’t get up at all, and the dangerously full state of his bladder hits with a pang that almost makes him double over, his erection quickly wilting. 

_Shit, how did I not notice that?_

“Just a minute!” Naruto yells at the door, before teetering to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before his bladder begins emptying itself, sending a stream of urine across the lifted toilet seat and then onto the floor before he’s able to focus enough to direct it. When he’s finished he quickly washes his hands, with some embarrassment deciding to leave the mess until after he’s done with whoever is at the door, just hoping that his visitor isn’t needing to use the bathroom at all. 

He’s relieved when he pulls the front door open to reveal Kakashi- the man has never once gone further than the living room- so Naruto lets him in without hesitation. 

“Yo. Thought I’d stop by for a bit.”

“What’s up?” He asks the silver haired man who steps past him and without invitation, goes to sit on Naruto’s weathered sofa. 

"You really need some new furniture.” Kakashi states, ignoring Naruto's question and looking the blonde over in a fatherly fashion. 

“Yeah, well,” Naruto shrugs, going to his kitchen cabinets to get a tall glass down for himself. “I’ve been pretty busy. You want something to drink?” 

This time his guest answers, “Nah, I’m good.” 

Naruto nods, moving to the sink to fill his glass with tap water which he chugs, realizing that he’s thirsty enough for it to taste as good as it feels going down his throat. He finishes that and drinks one more glassful before going to join his former sensei, sitting down on the arm of the couch with his feet on the cushions. 

“So what’s up?” He asks again. 

“Nothing really,” Kakashi says, “I just thought it’d be a good idea to check on you. It’s been a while since you’ve been so down.”

“I’m not…” Naruto starts to say, cutting himself off when he realizes that there’s really no point in lying to someone who basically knows everything already. “I guess… Um… Thanks.” 

“I also want you to know that it’s important for you to be there tonight, at the party.” The older man fixes a serious eye on the blonde who shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I know it’s probably the last thing you want to do, but you are Sakura’s teammate, and someone very important to her. Your approval means the world.” 

“I can’t give her _that.”_ Naruto sighs. If there’s one thing he is not, it’s a boldfaced liar. No matter how important his approval may be there’s no way he’s going to tell someone as dear to him as Sakura one thing while meaning the opposite. Yeah he might tell some white lies to make the situation easier, but if she flat out asks him if he approves of her marrying Sasuke. _Yeah, there’s no way._

“She’s not going to just come up to you and ask for it.” Kakashi says, as if reading his thoughts. “But you can at least act in a positive manner towards everything. The way you usually do.” 

“That’s what I planned.” A shaky hand raises up to bury itself in messy yellow hair, tugging with a bit more force than intended but the pain feels good, calming in a way. 

“Ok. Well, that’s all I wanted to hear. I’m glad to see you’re doing ok.” 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Naruto says, suddenly feeling an itch in his muscles that wasn’t there before and he decides that when Kakashi leaves, instead of showering he’s going to go train until he can’t think straight anymore. A few moments later the copy-nin disappears with a wave and a poof of white smoke and the blonde goes to heat up some instant ramen which he shovels down before pulling on the first set of clothing he sees. Then he’s out the door, leaping up to a rooftop to take the quickest route to the training grounds. 

By the time he arrives, the frustration that’s been building inside him approaches a boiling point, and Naruto immediately creates a dozen clones with which to spar. He feels the need to draw blood, to bleed himself maybe, and though he doubts he’ll get much of either result with partners so evenly matched with him, his clones are a better option than anyone else in the village. Everyone except… He shakes his head hard. "Ok guys, taijutsu only but besides that, give me everything you’ve got.”

/

_(Three Years Earlier)_

_Sasuke looks intently at the scroll in front of him, then back at the Hokage, feeling his face shift from its usual cool nonchalance to a resentful scowl. He’s aware that he’s openly showing how upset he feels but he can’t be bothered by how stoic or not he appears- not now, with so much on the line. The thought of being sent on a long term mission that is likely to take years, after finally returning to the village- to Naruto- utterly terrifies him. He does **not** want to go, and he knows that if he had a choice he would flat out refuse, but there are no choices for people like him. _

_“This is exile,” he tells himself, not realizing that he’s spoken the words out loud until Tsunade clicks her tongue and shoots him a look._

_“It’s not exile, Uchiha, it’s a mission.”_

_“Right. So what am I going to be doing with this Kumonosu group on a mission that’s going to supposedly take years?” He asks._

_“Kumonosu is referring to themselves as the new Akatsuki,” Tsunade replies.”As you see in front of you, we have a good reason to believe they intend to come after the two remaining jinchuriki in the future, for what purpose we do not yet know. Thankfully at the moment it is simply a topic of discussion, but things can change at any time. You know as well as I do that once they increase in number and acquire a powerful leader, such a thing will quickly switch from talk to action and once it does, this village and specifically Naruto will be in danger. I need you to infiltrate the group remain there, maintaining communication with one of the outside spies we currently have keeping an eye on them. Your contact will then report to another who will bring the information to me.”_

_“Hn.” Sasuke sighs. He has to admit the plan is good, necessary even... “But why was I the one chosen to do this?”_

_“It’s up to you if you want to take this offensively, Uchiha, but you’re the only person in this entire village that I’m willing to risk sending on a mission as precarious as this. You haven’t been back long enough to be a known member of Konohagakure aside from the time you spent here in childhood, but you are recognized throughout the shinobi world as a powerful ninja, and as a killer. Even your participation in the recent war was not acknowledged outside of Konoha. I don’t think they’ll see an issue with letting you into the group. They won’t suspect that a known rogue would be a spy.”_

_“I’m not a rogue,” Sasuke quickly counters. Even during the years that he spent associating with Konoha’s enemies, he hated to consider himself as such. Until he learned the truth about the murder of his clan, he preferred to think of his actions not as turning away from his village, but turning towards something greater. He knows, however, that there isn’t a soul besides Naruto who saw things the same way._

_“But you were,” Tsunade says, confirming the black haired man’s thoughts.“You were a rogue until very recently, and because of that, even if you were to fully join Kumonosu and desert the mission, it would be only a small loss to this village. But if you’re so concerned about being considered a rogue ninja, take this mission as what it is: a mission, and a way of earning my trust and respect if indeed you do return, not to mention you’ll be paid a considerable amount of money.”_

_“I don’t care for or need money,” comes the reply after a few tense moments of silence, “ I also don’t know why you’re speaking of this as if I have a choice.”_

_“Because you do have a choice.” There’s something in the Hokage’s amber eyes that Sasuke doesn’t like- pity, perhaps. “The council and I told you at your sentencing that we would allow you a trial month within the village after which we would inform you what was to be done with you, and this is it. You can either leave the village and return to running about as you were doing before- though there will likely be tracker nin hunting you more aggressively this time. Or you can take this mission and return a fully reinstated shinobi of the leaf, provided your mission report proves satisfactory of course.”_

_This is cruel, cruel and unfair and Sasuke allows his disgust to show, the corners of his mouth turning downwards in a deep frown. Then again, when he thinks of all that he’s done it isn’t so unfair at all. He’s wronged the leaf village enough for them to execute him; after all he tried several times to kill his own former teammates, not to mention that he seriously injured or disabled all the ANBU members sent after him. Yes, were he in any of the other hidden villages he would have been killed already, or at least sentenced to life in prison with his eyes removed and his chakra permanently sealed. He knows the same might have even happened here, had he not fought for them in the war, and had Naruto not spoken on his behalf._

_Naruto…_

_The thought of leaving him for so long sends a jolt of pain through Sasuke’s chest. But leaving him forever would be utterly unbearable, and he knows he could never be so selfish as to ask the blonde to come with him if he left, even though he knows Naruto would give up everything, even his dream of being Hokage, to follow him right out those gates. Sasuke sighs, his mind made up._

_“How long before I have to leave?”_

_“I’ll give you a week to get your affairs in order, and to say goodbye to whoever you think needs to hear it. But I don’t want a word of this mission breathed to anyone. Not even Naruto. Don’t think, Uchiha, that I haven’t noticed the two of you getting closer as of late.”_

_“I love him.” Sasuke lets the words tumble from his mouth, not bothering to care what Tsunade might think of his confession. It’s the truth. It’s the only thing he knows for certain. That, and the fact that he’s about to be leaving the man he loves **again**. He knows that he’s not going to be able to say goodbye, not without the blonde ninja asking questions, not without explaining everything. No, he won’t be able to say any goodbyes. Then again, he’s never been good at them anyway. _

/ 

Sasuke opens his eyes, pushing the memory away. He hates thinking of the past; there’s so little within the last decade of his life that makes him feel anything besides guilt and anguish, but more and more often as of late he’s been forcing himself to remember. To recall everything that has happened, everything he has _done_ that’s led him to exactly where he is now. Some days, like today, the pain of recollection is both all encompassing and numbing. He lets it rise up around him and cover him, lets it smother all other thoughts and lets it remind him that despite being back in Konoha, despite being engaged, he’s utterly alone. 

It’s a few hours later than the time he usually wakes up at and the smell of food cooking informs him that Sakura is already awake and definitely wondering why she woke up in bed alone- again. For the second time since they’ve returned to Konoha she requested sex; well, this time she more or less demanded it, even resorting to using her mouth on him when the ministrations of her hand didn’t bring about the desired result. Again, she straddled him and penetrated herself until she was satisfied, but this time when she was done she returned to sucking him off until he came before she went to sleep. 

It’s because of that last bit, rather than the sex itself, that he went out to the pond again once his fiancé was asleep. He never lets himself cum with Sakura; as ridiculous as he knows it is, that is something he saves for Naruto (or his thoughts of Naruto at least) and as the girl he’s meant to marry knelt between his legs, his cock shooting down the back of her throat, he felt like something was being stolen from him. Recalling it, a bit of resentment begins to simmer within him until he tells himself that he’s being ridiculous- that he promised himself to her and holding back from orgasm unless he’s touching himself while imagining Naruto doesn’t make the betrothal any less real. 

_It’s just stupid,_ he tells himself. _Stupid and pathetic._

Sighing, he gets up slowly, going to use the bathroom before walking out into the hall and to the kitchen. 

There he finds the pink haired kunoichi, standing over the stove stirring a fried rice dish studded with bits of egg and chopped vegetables. Next to her on the counter is a plate of tomato slices; seeing them, Sasuke decides to go stand beside her, immediately popping a piece of his favorite fruit into his mouth. The tart almost sweetness makes his taste buds sing but he bites back the smile threatening to tug at his lips. There’s no purpose in smiling for a fruit.

“Morning,” he greets her, voice flat and a bit hoarse, causing him to wonder if he’s starting to get sick but then Sakura kisses him and despite it being brief and chaste his stream of thought breaks into pieces, distress seeping into the cracks. 

“Good morning,” Sakura returns, her tone light though her eyes hold a trace of disappointment. “Why didn’t you come back to bed?” 

“I was outside for a while and didn’t want to wake you.” The excuse comes easy. He eats another slice of tomato before moving down the counter in order to make tea. 

“Next time, don’t worry about that, ok? I like waking up to you.” 

“Hn.” Sasuke finds it hard to hold back his frown, but years of practice allow him to maintain his usual blank expression. He can’t remember when exactly Sakura became someone capable of causing his perfectly controlled exterior to crack. In fact, there used to be only one person able to do such a thing. One person he can’t seem to force out of his head. 

Since the other night in which the Naruto- Hinata situation came to light, Sasuke has wanted to have a conversation with his fiancé in an attempt to feel out her motivations but it hasn’t happened. He hates to admit this to himself, but the whole subject makes him anxious, as if he’s teetering on the edge of something not quite solid with a long way down if he were to fall. 

He’s allowed himself to wonder if she’d been lying when she first found him and told him of his friend’s coupling with the Hyuga girl, but after much consideration has come to the conclusion that she hadn’t been. Sasuke had simply asked how everyone in the village was doing and she’d mentioned the issue upon reaching Naruto. She had genuinely seemed surprised when he became upset, saying that she thought he’d be happy his best friend was with someone so nice as Hinata. Feeling betrayed, he’d had to get himself under control and force out a few nice words. He supposes that, knowing the truth now, he doesn’t feel betrayed anymore, simply lost. Even so, the pain remains- the same pain that bloomed inside him three years ago, as he walked through the Konoha gates, praying that fate would be kind enough to allow him to return.

Sasuke imagines that if things had turned out the way he wanted them to, a different, more pleasant feeling would be radiating from within him; he imagines that his mornings would be filled with halcyon moments of lingering in bed and teasing laughter. Instead, his chest aches and he sits down to a silent breakfast with Sakura, eyes glued to the plate in front of him. Moving his chopsticks back and forth he only picks at his food, not hungry in the slightest even though he barely ate dinner the night before either. It’s not long before he feels Sakura’s gaze settle on him and he looks up to see concerned green eyes, a mouth that is pouty, frowning. 

It reminds him of years long past, days in which they belonged to team seven as a brooding wannabe avenger and a desperate fangirl. He would be depressed or injured or sick and she would just stare at him, as if in his discomfort, in his distress, he would just look over at her and say, “I need you, only you, Sakura. Help me, Sakura.”

Sasuke sighs. “What is it?”

“Do you just not like my cooking?” Sakura’s voice is needy, desperate; Sasuke is sure that her own visions of how things would be upon returning to Konohagakure are almost as different from what reality has presented them as his are. Still, he can’t force himself to feel sorry- this is all she asked of him. This is all he promised. 

“Nothing’s wrong with your cooking,” he assures her.”I’m just not hungry.”

“Sasuke…” Sakura sets her chopsticks down, leaning in towards the table and Sasuke knows to expect one of her medical speeches. It’s always the same.“I know I already brought this up yesterday but as an active shinobi your health is important and you’ve barely been eating since we decided to return to Konoha. You- you’re losing weight, Sasuke, your hip bones were practically stabbing me last night when we-“

“I’m fine.” He snaps, cutting her off, more angry than he knows he should be but her mentioning the previous night crosses an invisible line that he wasn’t aware of but that is there all the same and he finds himself getting up from the table and taking his plate- still half full- with him. Though he feels a twinge of guilt for wasting food, he scrapes the uneaten meal into the garbage bin before setting the plate in the sink. 

_I need to go,_ he realizes. _I need to see…_

“What are you doing?” Sakura asks, her voice slicing through his thoughts as he stalks past her towards the stairs. 

“Getting dressed. I need to train.” It’s not what he had been originally thinking, but there’s _something,_ in the part of his brain that’s always been more in tune to Naruto than anyone else, that tells him that he won’t find the dobe at home (which, thankfully eliminates the possibility of having a door slammed in his face.) That with the stupid engagement party tonight, his friend is probably feeling the same pent up energy that Sasuke feels pinging off every cell in his body.

He hopes that maybe if they see each other now, before the party, it will make things less difficult tonight. It’s hard anyway, not knowing where he stands with his friend, while being aware that wherever it is, it’s not where he wants to be. He can’t be where he wants to be with Naruto, at least without knowing how Naruto feels- something which, judging from the blonde’s behavior towards him the two times they’ve seen each other, Sasuke isn’t sure the other man even wants him to know. 

“I’ll come with you, to cheer you on,” Sakura’s soft, feminine voice suggests, interrupting _again_ and Sasuke can’t stand the way she always wants to put herself in the middle of things; he finds himself clenching his fists, unable to stop his jaw from twitching in irritation. If there’s one emotion that almost anyone can bring forth in him, it’s anger, and though he hates himself for it, has spent years finding ways to punish himself for it, it just _won’t go away._

In fact, his time with Orochimaru and everything he went through after killing his brother only served to make it worse. Now, though, he manages to push it down and out, feeling it dissipate in the air around him. There’s no place for such fury here, he decides, and a shame begins to rise up in its place, shame that he’s not able to appreciate her, to love her the way she so desperately wants him to. He sighs, allowing himself to be enveloped by it; _this,_ he deserves to feel. 

“No, I’m going alone,” he says. “I need some time to meditate as well.” 

Surprisingly, Sakura simply nods and Sasuke continues ascending the stairs, surprised that he’s getting away free but thankful for her silence. He’s on the second to last step when he hears a sigh, vocal instead of breathy, meant to be heard. “I just…”

He stops, inhales shakily and grabs onto the banister in order to take two steps back so that he can see her again. She’s visibly upset, hunched over on the cushion she’s sitting on, wiping tears away before they get a chance to slide down her reddened cheeks. 

“Sasuke…” 

In this house his name is always the first word of a complaint or command, just as it was in the old house down the road.   
‘Sasuke, you need to start acting more grown up.’ He hears his mother’s voice. ‘Sasuke, your father and I are very disappointed.’ He pushes the ghost out of his head with a shudder. 

“You just make me feel like I’m not wanted sometimes,” Sakura sniffles out. 

Sasuke’s pale hands tighten their grip on the railing beneath them. He could break it, with just a little chakra behind his own force the wood would crack into pieces, sending thousands of tiny splinters to dig into his palms. “I’m sorry,” he says. He wants raise his voice by the decibel and lower it by the pitch to tell her that she didn’t ask to be wanted. She didn’t even ask to be loved. Her one request was to be his wife and he told her that she would have that. The rest- he said he would try. “I’ll try harder, Sakura.” 

The guilt and shame sets in heavy again; he reminds himself that he owes her- oh gods how he owes her for all the terrible things he’s done to her, for being so terrible in general, and she asked for nothing but the opportunity to be his wife. He tells himself that she’s even doing him a favor on top of that by offering to help him restore his clan after he had all but given up on the hope of ever doing that; he knows there’s no one in the village who would even think of wanting to bear his children, let alone pass him in the street without reciting his crimes to him in whispers under their breath. 

“That’s all I want.” Sakura is looking up at him now, her pink lips stretched into a weak smile. Her words cut off his thoughts before they continue. And before she can speak again, Sasuke gives her a curt nod before hurrying up the few remaining steps and into the master bedroom. 

Finally alone, Sasuke takes a deep breath and lets the air flow through him as he focuses on the small details of brushing his teeth and choosing something to wear. He manages to keep his mind clear until he pulls on his clothes- noticing that they do, in fact, hang a bit looser than they did before. In addition, he feels slightly embarrassed that besides abandoning the purple rope belt, he still dresses the same as he did when he was in Otogakure and with Taka. 

Official shinobi of the leaf village he may be but still he looks- feels- like an outsider. He knows this is what the members of his clan felt all along, that it’s part in the reason they planned to rebel in the first place. Perhaps, this is just what it means to be an Uchiha. At least, this is what it is now that he’s the only one left. 

Sasuke knows that this is not what Sakura wants, but he refuses to deny the past that made and keeps him an outsider. After all, even though they hold for him no pride, he still carries the weapon and bears the scars that tell the story of his terrible betrayal, of the mistakes he made and those that he intended to, and even though he didn’t follow through, its those that weigh him down the most. There are days where he finds himself consumed by shame and remorse over the fact that he tried to kill not only the woman sitting downstairs but the one person with whom he had a bond so true and pure he wonders if maybe if it was love all along.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever truly be able to forgive himself for trying to- for even wanting to- kill Naruto, despite the purpose he had for doing so, despite that purpose at the time seeming necessary. That feeling of necessity faded quickly, even though in his blood thirsty need for revenge, and in the madness he fell into following his brother’s death, he tried to kill the man again and again. Every time, he felt regret; there were times when it would course through him with such force that he’d find himself vomiting, trying to purge the anger and the hatred that had twisted him into a person that he himself could not stand. 

And then he remembers the nights in the underground hideouts of the sound village when, bleeding and broken and too drugged to even fight back, Orochimaru would hover over him, violating him, and in whatever splintered fragments of thought he could manage, he would tell himself that he deserved this. Sometimes he still thinks that he deserved it. 

All is of this- his collective guilt, his cloak of shame- was heavy enough to ground him to the earth even as his power grew and those who wronged him dropped dead to become one with the muck of the earth. Despite all that he’s accomplished, all the strength he’s obtained, he feels like he should be crawling; as if despite the headband he wears (still the one Naruto scratched all those years ago) declaring his allegiance to the Hidden Leaf, there are lead signs hanging from his neck that read- ‘traitor’ and ‘kin-slayer’ and ‘Orochimaru’s whore’. He’s heard all of these things whispered on the lips of villagers that passed by him. Each one stung as if branding his skin. 

And then there’s Sakura. Sasuke knew as soon as the mission failed, as soon as his contact’s arrow riddled body was dragged before him in the Kumonosu hideout, that the Hokage would send someone to assess the situation and bring back the wounded or dead that could be found. He hadn’t expected Sakura, hadn’t been prepared for Sakura- or for her to tell him that Naruto had moved on, for her to recite his sins before proclaiming her love, before begging… He never would have expected her to- no, he didn’t deserve… 

The day he said yes, the cloud of self loathing that fogs the air around him had been especially thick. He hadn’t expected it to clear, hadn’t been ready…

Overwhelmed, he practically falls to sit on the bed, remaining upright through willpower alone as multiple sensations attack him at once. He feels Orochimaru's skeletal fingers ghosting across his chest, Itachi’s bloody finger trailing down his face, the stab of a katana piercing through his belly as he tries to escape the Kumonosu hideout, Sakura’s fingers sliding over his hip bone before wandering down the front of his pants. He feels it all at once, crashing into him and not for the first time he allows himself the freedom to wish that he was dead. 

The desire comes on stronger than usual, the desire to simply be _gone_ but he shakes it off after a moment, more determined now than he’s been in months to go train, to break his body down until he’s truly feeling the numbness and apathy he projects. So, he heads downstairs and with a brief goodbye to Sakura and exits the house onto the once bloodied streets of the Uchiha district, leaving behind the training yard that it holds and instead making his way towards the public ones, a spark of anticipation twisting in his chest. 

He arrives to find a familiar blonde already there, currently occupied with pummeling a clone of himself; from the sweat visibly beaded on the man’s tan skin, Sasuke assumes he’s been here for a while already, and is probably about to leave. Still, he feels an itch to try to make him stay, just for a quick spar, just to feel that contact for a moment. It’s a bad idea; he knows that he’s completely out of shape after everything that happened with his last mission, and that Naruto is likely angry enough to injure him, but he feels a need to get close, to touch him. 

“Oi, dead last!” 

Naruto turns to him immediately, a frown on his face, his clone proofing away. For a moment his scowl holds a bit of surprise, but that disappears as quickly as the clone did. Yes, Naruto is definitely angry with him. Very angry. 

“What do you want?” He bites out, and there’s an edge to his voice that sounds dangerous. _All the better,_ Sasuke thinks, and continues to approach him. 

“You down to spar?” 

“Tch,” Naruto scoffs, using the back of his hand to wipe the sweat from his brow below his forehead protector. “I’m always down to kick your ass, Uchiha.” 

For a second, Sasuke has to hold back his own surprise- Naruto never calls him that. It’s always his given name, or ‘Sasuke- teme’, or just ‘bastard’ if he’s angry. Hearing his clan name from the blonde’s mouth, he feels distant, detached, like he’s being pushed away and being made a stranger, and it hurts like a gaping wound. He forces himself to ignore it, to not show the upset he feels as he silently assumes a fighting stance. “Don’t hold back on me, dobe,” he says. 

“Never,” Naruto replies, and then the fight begins. It doesn’t take Sasuke long to realize that this is indeed an actual fight and that the ninja facing him is attacking with every intention to truly hurt him. After taking a couple blows to the ribs along with one to the jaw, and landing but one himself- a high kick that only catches his opponent’s shoulder- he begins to feel the effects of going months without training and days without properly eating, finding himself having to resort to defense alone. 

Naruto seems to notice this, satisfaction flashing across his face as he increases the intensity of his attacks to the point where even with the sharingan, Sasuke’s body is barely able to keep up with blocks. It’s strange- the feeling of being beaten by someone he’s spent so much of his life being evenly matched with, and equally strange not being able to keep up with his own kekkei genkai. 

For a moment while he’s still able to think, Sasuke wonders if perhaps he’s gotten himself in over his head, but then Naruto punches him right in the face, catching his cheek and the entirety of his left eye, causing him to accidentally bite down hard on the side of his tongue. The world begins to spin, his sharingan deactivating as two ridiculously hard blows land in his gut, followed by a punch to the side of the head and then he’s down, whatever air that remains in his lungs forced out when he hits the ground. 

Coughing out a mouthful of blood, Sasuke barely gets a second to take in a breath before Naruto is on top of him, punching him once, then again and again in his ribs before switched to wailing on his face. These aren’t the punches that took him down though, no, Naruto is holding back now, giving just enough force to bruise but not enough to shatter his bones so he doesn’t raise his arms up to block, instead just taking them full on. The first hit breaks all the capillaries in his nose; even without the sickening crack of a fracture the pain sets in all the same, followed by the warm flow of blood. The second busts his lips, and then the third, holding less than half the force of the other two, hits him in the cheek under the eye that’s already swollen completely shut. It’s only in the pause that follows that Sasuke realizes that the blonde man is shaking, his face displaying barely contained rage and the tension hangs suspended in the morning air, in Naruto’s clenched fists. 

And then it drops. Naruto let’s his hands fall and says, “fuck,” the word coming out with a huff of air. 

Sasuke struggles to inflate his lungs, realizing that he definitely has some broken ribs, that Naruto hit harder than he previously thought; for some reason this makes him smile, a broken exhale of a laugh falling from his bloody lips. 

“What are you… Why are you laughing? Fuck.”

Naruto is heavy across his hips but Sasuke fights the automatic urge to move out from under him. He wants to be here, right here, and when he notices that there are tears in the blonde’s eyes he fights the urge to reach up and wipe them away, the laughter dying in his chest. 

Naruto does it himself in a brusque manner that leaves behind a streak of blood and dirt, a stripe across his whiskered cheek. “Ah shit, Sasuke I… I shouldn’t have lost it like that, I… Uh…” He sounds like a lost child, unsure of himself, voice shaky. 

“Spit it out, usuratonkachi.” Sasuke decides that he needs to hear everything, all of Naruto’s hate and pain- he needs to hear it and understand it and then he needs to fix it. 

“I still…” Naruto takes a big trembling inhale, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes for a moment. When he moves he drops them on either side of Sasuke’s head, leaning over the man beneath him, breath falling against the other’s lips, cooling as it travels through the space between them. “I still can’t believe you left me again. And then- then you come back after three years like nothing happened and make me feel like I don’t matter at all and I’m so, so fucking _sick_ of losing you, you fucking _bastard._ Three fucking years, Sasuke. You were back for only a month and then you leave for three years- fuck- what.. How…” 

The words trail off. A tear drops down onto Sasuke’s cheek, sliding into his ear, and his bitten tongue throbs as he says, “I’m sorry, Naruto,” because that’s all he can say without inviting questions he’s not allowed to answer. No matter how badly he wants to say, “I didn’t want to leave,” and, “I didn’t have a choice,” these aren’t explanations he can give and it hurts, having the truth fizzle out and die unspoken. 

“I wish… That’s just not enough, teme, y’know?” Naruto sniffs as he roughly swipes at his eyes once more. “But I’m sorry too, just cause I shouldn’t have knocked you around like that. I don’t even feel better, I-“ 

He cuts himself off, lifting his right hand as if we wants to touch Sasuke’s battered face, hovering just close enough for the black haired man to feel the heat coming from his fingertips before dropping his hand back to the ground. 

“Sasuke,” Naruto says, his voice almost a whisper, tilting his head down so more hair than face is visible. “Please forgive me, Sasuke. Shit… I… I didn’t mean-“

“You did,” Sasuke interrupts, because for some reason it feels right, to be underneath Naruto and bleeding and he tells himself for the hundredth time today, _I deserve this._ But he knows he wants more than he deserves; he wants _Naruto_ but he doesn’t say that. Instead- “It’s ok. I mean yes, it’d be better not having my face smashed in knowing I lost to you but…” He can’t finish- surprised that the reality of what happened is just now coming to him. That he lost, so utterly and completely lost to Naruto, that he let it happen. 

“Naruto…” It feels nice, saying his name like that. Out loud, even though it sounds muffled coming through bloody, swollen lips. 

Blue eyes lift to fix themselves on him as one side of a lower lip is sucked in and pinned in place behind a sharper-than-normal canine tooth. Sasuke memorizes it all: Naruto’s heat and his weight and the way that, leaning forward like he is, his crotch is pressed against the lower part of Sasuke’s stomach, soft, and Sasuke is glad the blonde isn’t sitting further down because his own body is not- not soft.

He realizes that they’ve almost been in this exact position before, at the Valley of the End, right before the fight that precipitated him leaving for the first time had gotten really serious. Naruto had straddled him and punched him in the face, the same hesitation in his fists as this time, but that day Sasuke had felt the twitch between his legs and responded by lifting his head to spit blood onto the other boy’s face. He can’t even imagine doing that now, something so rude and immature and cruel in its nastiness. No, that’s not what he wants to do now…

“Sakura is going to kill me,” Naruto says, snapping him out of his recollections and Sasuke doesn’t even want to think about that- about her. “I gotta get you to the hospital. Or to, uh… baa-chan! I’m gonna take you to baa-chan, ok?” 

And he’s about to say ok, just so that Sakura won’t get mad at Naruto for Sasuke returning home on the day of the _stupid_ fucking party with a black eye, but then- too soon-Naruto rocks back, like he’s about to get up. 

Sasuke grabs him by the shirt, desperate to keep him where he is; he knows he has to do this now, that this might be the only chance he gets. So, pushing all other thoughts aside, he pulls a surprised Naruto down towards him until their faces are nearly touching, and then leans the rest of the way up despite the stabbing pain in his midsection, pressing their lips together. It’s contact, but it can barely be called a kiss; when Sasuke pulls back there’s blood all over Naruto’s face and his expression is strange and completely unreadable. This isn’t what he wanted; no, he didn’t want to make him upset. He pulls at his shirt once more, his mind only telling him, _again,_ but this time Naruto pushes his hand away. 

“I need to get you to baa-chan,” is all he says. 

/ 

Naruto’s brain is screaming, hurling words and thoughts around too fast for him to even interpret. Only two, repeating over and over again, is he able to make out. _He kissed me,_ and, _I could have killed him._ The latter, Tsunade tells him herself when he finally manages to drag Sasuke into the Hokage’s office, even though they both know that had things actually turned deadly, the Uchiha would have gotten out of there or trapped him in a genjutsu. Then she instructs him, with a knowing look, to go wash his face. 

When he returns, she’s healing Sasuke’s bruised face, followed by the injuries to his torso, her hands enveloped in glowing green chakra. (And of course Sasuke looks so, so irritated but even knowing that his friend is only here allowing this because of _him_ doesn’t make him feel any better.) After she’s finished, she wipes the dried blood from his skin with a wet cloth and then begins to wrap the lower part of his chest in bandages. Naruto wants to hit himself, seeing Sasuke shirtless, his ribs and stomach painted with large splotches in different shades of red, blue, and purple, the color so stark against the whiteness of his skin. His face looks better though, perfect actually- Naruto thanks the Godaime for that. 

“Sakura is my pupil, so I know her well enough to understand that she’d kill the both of you if he came home with even a scratch on his face,” Tsunade says, sounding irritated, almost angry. “And I set your ribs, Uchiha, but don’t think they’re completely healed. You’re going to need to take it easy for a few weeks. I’m not wasting my time dealing with all these bruises though. Surely, you have a shirt with a normal neckline to wear until they fade.” 

“Thank you, Hokage-sama,” Sasuke says, his voice strangely soft. Naruto bites his lip, stares up at him but the black haired man doesn’t return the gaze. 

“This,” Tsunade snaps, louder now, authority clear in her tone, “is never going to happen again, or I’m putting you both on D-rank missions for six months, do you understand?” 

Both males convey agreement. It’s only a few moments later, as they're preparing to leave, that Naruto realizes exactly what she said. _Sasuke, on missions? That doesn’t make sense… He was gone for so long. How can he be on missions after running away like that?_

“Baa-chan-“ he starts, but the Hokage quickly interrupts him. 

“We’ll talk later, Naruto.” 

/

Outside, Naruto grabs the taller man’s sleeve, afraid to touch him. He finds it hard to accept what happened, to believe what he did, that he really hurt the person he loves _that_ badly- and that Sasuke didn’t seem to be trying to stop it at all. Yes, he wanted to beat him, wanted to hurt him, but not… Not like that. Not that badly, and he feels sick with himself for losing control. It’s always Sasuke, making him lose control, but this time he can’t, no, doesn’t want to blame him even a bit. This is entirely on him, entirely his fault, and that thought brings forth an ache in his chest, in his throat that makes it difficult to speak. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, and when Sasuke merely looks at him blankly, he decides to continue. “I didn’t mean… I mean, I wanted to hurt you, but not like that. I’m… Fuck, I’m really sorry, Sasuke.” 

“It’s fine. I had it coming.” The other man replies after a brief pause. Then, almost stammering, he continues, “When I… Um-“ 

“Don’t worry about it,” Naruto cuts in, knowing that Sasuke’s referring to the kiss and really not wanting to talk about it. He’s sure it was a mistake- a result of the concussion he surely gave the his friend and nothing more. 

“Alright,” Sasuke says, tugging his arm so that his sleeve slips away from Naruto’s grip. If Naruto didn’t know better he’d swear he saw a brief look of hurt flash over the pale face but this is _Sasuke_ , so he tells himself that he’s imagining it… “I’m going home.” 

“I’ll walk with you, to make sure you get there ok.” 

“I’m fine. I don’t need you following me around,” his voice is emotionless again, cold. Yes, Naruto is sure he imagined what he saw. Still, he watches for a while as Sasuke walks away, watches as he brings his arms up to hug his abdomen- at the pang this brings to his chest, Naruto jumps onto a rooftop to head to his own home. This party, he knows, is going to _suck._

/

_It feels strange to be back in Konoha, the air seems to be electrically charged, sparks buzzing against his skin. Walking behind an ANBU escort, Sakura’s hand sweating in his, Sasuke finds himself looking down the streets that they pass, just looking._

_“What are you doing?” There is a laugh in Sakura’s voice._

_“Nothing. Just… Seeing what’s changed.” It’s a valid excuse- many things are different. The last time he’d been here the village was still recovering from Pain’s attack and the war. Now, everything is restored, the buildings bigger and taller than they had been before, fresh clean paint bright in the sunlight._

_“Yeah, I feel like I’m gonna need a map just to get around and I’ve only been gone a year.” Sakura squeezes his hand, presses her cheek into his arm for a moment. Sasuke knows that he’s supposed to take comfort from the gesture but it only causes his anxiety to spike further and by the time they reach Hokage Tower, his stomach feels like it’s turned inside out and crawled up his throat._

_‘Where is Naruto?’ He can’t help but wonder; he’d honestly expected the blonde to be outside the gates waving as they approached. Just as he starts to think that it might be alright to ask someone, Shizune appears, saying that the Hokage would like to see him- alone. He feels Sakura hesitate to let go of his hand, and he hesitates too, if only for the fact that her possessive grip is the only thing that seems to be keeping him on the ground and in one piece._

_But he lets go, and doesn’t look back as he’s led into the Hokage's office, the doors shutting behind him. Tsunade sits with her elbows propped up on her desk, fingers folded in front of her._

_“You look like shit, Uchiha.”_

_He knows; he hasn’t slept well on the journey back, hasn’t been able to keep down food or even catch his breath it seems._

_“Well,” Tsunade continues after a pause, laying her hands flat. “I’d hoped that a different Hokage would be the one welcoming you back, but alas, Kakashi has asked for another year so here I am.”_

_“Kakashi?” Sasuke raises an eyebrow at the unexpected announcement. “What about Naruto?”_

_“The council isn’t ready for that yet, even though the village is. And I don’t think Naruto is quite ready for it either.”_

_Sasuke nods. He wonders if he should ask Tsunade where Naruto is, if he’s on a mission, if he’s ok._

_“Anyway, brat, I was told you don’t yet have the mission report completed. Is that correct?”  
“Yes, Hokage-Sama.” He nods again. _

_“Fine.” Tsunade leans back in her chair. “Just have it in by the end of the week. I did receive your coded message saying that you continued to spy on Kumonosu from a distance even after the mission’s failure. They still do not have a method of extracting or controlling the bijuu, correct?”_

_“They do not. A replication of the Gedo Mazo was discussed but the conversation was no better than a joke.”_

_“It’s unlikely that they will cease to continue searching for answers to their problem but for now, there’s nothing we can do.” The Hokage let’s out a long exhale, as if pushing any stress from the discussion out of her body. “Anyway, I assume you’ve received news that the home which you requested within the Uchiha district is prepared for you to move in immediately.”_

_“Yes, Hokage-sama.” Sasuke repeats. He bows, preparing to leave but Tsunade holds up her hand to stop him._

_“Hold up, Uchiha. I’m not done with you yet. I see you’re engaged…”_

_Sasuke sighs, the crawling feeling returning to his skin. “I was hoping that personal matters could be kept out of things.”_

_“Not when it’s you three,” Tsunade says in reference to team seven, only continuing after enough time has passed to have the black haired man in front of her fidgeting where he stands, just a barely perceptible turn of the leg, twitch of the hand, but the aura of his discomfort fills the room. “It’s slightly concerning that in the same letter from Sakura I received news that you were heavily injured and taking the mission’s failure poorly as well news that the two of you were in a relationship.”_

_“I-“ Sasuke doesn’t know what to say. It had indeed happened like that- but why the Hokage is concerning herself…_

_“And then in the reply to the letter in which it was declared safe for you to return to the leaf, I receive news of your engagement.”_

_“That is correct.” He almost winces at how shaky his voice sounds. Weak…_

_“Uchiha Sasuke, you don’t owe her.” Tsunade says, her golden eyes gravely serious. “I can’t help but assume that your current state is being taken advantage of, which I know is not something you want to admit to but this is very important that you understand. You do not owe Sakura a marriage.”_

_The words penetrate like a knife through the skull; Sasuke almost chokes on the oxygen that he inhales. It’s all he can do to ask the Hokage if there is anything else, and when she simply dismisses him he nearly stumbles out of the room, shaking on his feet; he hasn’t felt this thrown off since he saw the eyes of his kin in Danzo’s arm and then he’d had the rage and bloodlust he was already feeling to stabilize him though his task. Now… Now there’s nothing. He’s walking but he feels like he’s falling._

_Outside the Hokage’s office, Sakura is waiting for him; he can’t meet her eye._

_“How did it go?” She holds out a hand to him and by force of habit he takes it._

_“Fine.”_

_“Good. Let’s go home.” Sakura’s smile seems to fade into the background along with everything else and Sasuke feels as if he’s moving through a shattered world as they make their way again through the streets of Konoha._

_Eventually he turns his focus inward, finds his heartbeat and fixates his attention on it, the dull thudding filling up his head, louder than the repeating words in the Hokage’s voice but not enough to drown out the singular thought that he manages to form, just a name, then a sentence- its characters falling like droplets of water from his brain to his tongue where he holds it but does not speak._

_‘Naruto, I’m back. Naruto, I’m home.’_


	4. This Is a Gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've reworked this chapter. I couldn't leave it as it was; it just felt incomplete and like it needs to be fleshed out. So, while the basic outline is the same, there are some new things added now. Thank you for putting up with me while I try to make this story as good as both the characters and you, the readers, deserve. A real update is coming shortly so don't worry; it's already written and in the process of being edited. 
> 
> To anyone who isn't comfortable reading sex scene, there is a sexual scene between two men that makes up the lower half of the story. Honestly though, I doubt that applies to any of you actually invested in this fic, I mean it is explicit in its rating. So, yeah there are dicks doing stuff here. 
> 
> Also in this chapter: Ino and Hinata, who are both going to be important and awesome in this fic. I'm not a big fan of slash stories where all the females are undeveloped and mean so that is not gonna be the case here. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy. Please review- I feed of your opinions and constructive criticism. Lyrics are 'Same Soul' by Pvris. Listen to that song yo.

_In all those yesterdays,_

_were you always_

_hiding below?_

_No, I didn't know_

The shower spray is cold- has been for several minutes now, and Naruto pauses in his shivering and holding himself together in order to extend an arm to shut the water off. It's chilly in the shower stall, but absolutely frigid when he steps outside of it. The three years of living in conditioned air after a lifetime without it have been a blessing, except for times like these when he waits too long to get out of the shower and the cold water on his skin meets the cold artificial breeze blowing from the vents over his head, reducing him to shuddering, teeth chattering mess, trying to simultaneously grab his towel and curl into the fetal position while standing up. Still, he takes his time drying off, finding clothes that look acceptable to wear to a house party. _I'm so sick of parties,_ he complains in his head, though he knows that's not entirely true. If he's honest, it would be pretty awesome if every night could end with his friends gathered together around several bottles of alcohol. He's sick of the parties of this week, in which the drunken antics of his friends haven't even been on his radar because Sasuke has been there and Sakura has been on him, around him, and Sasuke hasn't even seemed to _mind._ It'll be even worse tonight, Naruto assumes- this is their damn engagement party after all- letting the dread that's been building up in him since he got home from Hokage Tower whisper cowardly thoughts in his ear. He's already an hour late, and for a second he allows himself to wonder if it will really be such a big deal if he just doesn’t show up at all.

Then Naruto remembers the conversation he had with Kakashi-sensei earlier in the day, and pictures Sakura's face, teary and disappointed as he tries to explain why he couldn't be there to watch her announce her engagement to Sasuke, a moment she's waited a decade for. The thought of seeing her cry because he let her down drums up enough resolve within him to get him out of the house and walking in the direction of the Uchiha district. 

He picks up a bottle of nihonshu on the way, just in case it’s customary to bring a gift to such events; even if it’s not, he figures he’ll need to be at least somewhat drunk in order to make it through even a few hours in Sasuke’s presence without screaming and ripping out his hair. Though he’s loathe to admit it, the kiss- or whatever it was that happened between them after their spar- has been lingering at the front of his mind and he finds himself repeatedly thinking of how soft Sasuke’s mouth was despite being busted, of how the second their lips touched he felt heat, alive and dancing, surge through him. He can’t help but wonder what would have happened if he had kissed back, but he quickly scolds himself for his curiosity. After all, it wasn’t even a real kiss, right? He’d just finished pummeling Sasuke into the ground and it- 

Naruto steps back when a door suddenly swings open in front of him and he snaps out of his wonderings, realizing that somehow he managed to walk all the way to the Uchiha compound and up to the front door of the sole occupied house without even thinking of where he was going. Sakura stands in front of him, looking radiant in a form-fitting red cheongsam dress with her hair pinned up and a touch of makeup brightening her face. A compliment begins to form on Naruto’s tongue but then he realizes the grin she usually greets him with is missing and that a frown holds her lips instead. A flash of panic shoots up from his chest to his throat when he realizes that she might have found out that he beat up her fiancé during their spar, that she might not even let him inside, that he might not get to see Sasuke at all. 

Then she gives a tight little smile and says, “I was worried that you weren't even going to come. And then you've just been standing out here for five minute and I didn't know if maybe you were gonna leave." 

“No way, Sakura-chan. I was just thinking I guess. I'm tired, or something, and I just keep losing track of time, that's all.” Naruto replies, attempting to swallow his nerves and forcing . _Shit, five minutes? I didn’t even realize that I was here._ “You look, um, really nice by the way.” His hand automatically finds the nape of his neck, fingers rubbing at his already messy hair. 

“Thanks, Naruto. I'm really glad you made it.” Her smile seems to brighten as she glances down at herself, smoothing the front of her dress and Naruto feels his throat begin to swell, because Sakura is just so pretty; she'd make a good wife, he admits, and she's a strong ninja and Sasuke... No wonder Sasuke chose her. "So, are you gonna come in? I'm sure Sasuke's waiting for you around somewhere.'

"Doubt it." Naruto shrugs, receiving a funny look that leaves him scrambling for something nicer to say when he remembers the sake he bought and he awkwardly thrusts the bottle out towards Sakura. “This is for you. Well, both of you… I didn’t know if I was supposed to bring anything.” 

“Aw, thanks. That’s sweet.” Sakura tucks the bottle under her arm, smiling warmly as she reaches for Naruto’s now free hand to pull him into the house. “You really didn’t have to bring anything, but I guess it makes up for how late you are. Been spending a little too much time around Kakashi-sensei I bet.” 

“I guess so,” Naruto shrugs, surveying the moderately crowded living room. Most of the Konoha eleven is there, with the exception of Neji, Kiba, and Shino, and there are several unfamiliar faces as well, likely guests of Sakura, friends from when she worked in the hospital. Naruto is not surprised that Sasuke is nowhere to be seen but his eyes light up when he spots Hinata sitting on one of the couches, recognizing her by the back of her head. When Sakura leaves him to take the alcohol he brought to the kitchen he goes to creep up behind the Hyuga, placing his hands over her eyes. 

“Guess who?” He drops his voice a few octaves in an attempt to disguise it, holding the back the laugh he knows will give him away, but his attempts are rendered moot when she actives her kekkei genkai.

“Hi, Naruto.” She giggles.

“Damn it, Hinata- chan, the byakugan is cheating.” Naruto scolds, vaulting himself over the back of the couch to sit next to his friend. “I didn’t expect to see you here. Didn’t you just get back from a mission a couple hours ago?” 

“Well, yes,” she says, her voice soft enough that she doesn't have to worry about, “but I figured you’d need some moral support.” 

“Yeah, thanks.” Naruto sighs, hoping that Hinata knows how utterly grateful and _lucky_ he is to have her as a friend, even after all the times she's confessed her feelings- all the times he's turned her down. He never once was able to be for her what she wanted but she still stood by his side the last time Sasuke left the village, and held him together through those first few terrible months where he felt like breaking to pieces. It's because of her, really, that he didn't abandon his dream of being Hokage to chase the last Uchiha all over the world again- because she said that he would come back, and he did. He did, but still Naruto can't help but think that if he had gone after him, he wouldn't have minded never achieving the goals he'd set, wouldn't have minded even becoming a missing nin, or even never seeing his friends again if he could be with Sasuke, just the two of them against the universe. 

“Naruto-kun, are you alright?” Hinata asks, and Naruto finds himself being snatched out of his own mind for the second time in only a few minutes. 

_Fuck, I need to get out of my head._

“Yeah, I’m good, I just… Have you seen Sasuke?” The need to see him, to just exist in his presence and the powerful stillness of his chakra is almost overwhelming. 

Hinata smiles, just a small, knowing curve of her lips, and she points to the sliding door that leads to the garden and pond. “He went outside after about ten minutes.” 

“Figures he’d abandon his own engagement party,” Naruto forces himself to smile back at the dark haired girl next to him. “I should, uh… probably go say hey or something. We had a pretty rough sparring match today.” 

“Hmm, makes sense. It's a bit strange to see him walking around in pain when he lives with the second best medic in Konoha, but I suppose that Sakura isn't supposed to find out.” Hinata says and Naruto can’t help but grimace, guilt settling like a rock in his stomach. 

“I kinda took things a little too far,” he says after a moment, his fingers fumbling over each other in his lap. His knuckles were split and bruised earlier; now, there isn't a trace of the fury his fists had held this morning. Sometimes he wishes that Kurama would ignore the injuries he feels he deserves. 

"I'm not going to scold you," Hinata starts cautiously, "because I know you've probably been beating yourself up about it all day. But I've been learning medical ninjutsu myself, because of what happened to Neji-san, so if you ever need my services, just let me know." 

"Thanks, Hinata-chan. I appreciate that." Naruto rises up off the couch, pausing when Hinata grabs the sleeve of his jacket. 

“First get a drink with me, ok?” She asks, and he can’t say no to that, allowing her to lead the way into the kitchen. He feels a bit ashamed at the fact that his eyes automatically shift to scan over her: the silky fall of her long black hair, the curve of her full hips gently swaying as she walks. No, he can’t lie and say that he isn’t attracted to her; after all, he does still like girls just as much as he likes guys, and he knows that were they to enter into a relationship, he’d probably enjoy being with her and even grow to love her to some extent, but it wouldn’t be right. She deserves better than to be stuck with someone who is only capable of giving her scraps of love, for no reason other than that she isn’t Sasuke. 

Maybe, Naruto wonders, that’s the reason why Sasuke is with Sakura and not with him. He knows there’s still something there between himself and the Uchiha; the sort-of-kiss after their spar today proves that. But perhaps Sasuke feels the same way towards him as he feels towards Hinata. Maybe he’s just not enough and Sakura… Sakura is. The thought makes his stomach hurt, and when he feels Hinata’s small hand on his shoulder and turns towards her, he knows that his sadness is plainly displayed on his face. 

“It’s gonna be ok,” Hinata says. ”You’re going to be ok.” 

She’s poured out two small glasses of shochu, handing Naruto his which he tosses back while she simply sips hers, making a face. 

“I thought you didn’t like liquor.” Naruto smiles a bit, happy to take her serving when she passes it to him. He quickly downs it, then hands her cup to her again and finds his bottle of sake, turning it around so that the label faces her. “This is the one I brought. It’s not as strong, so feel free to have as much of it as you want. But thank you for the, uh… moral support.” 

“Of course,” Hinata smiles. “Now go. I’ll be here if you need me.” 

Naruto walks through the living room, past where Sakura stands engrossed in conversation with Ino and Sai, waving at those who notice him but otherwise singly determined to make it outside. Thankfully no one steps up to talk to him and when he’s finally on the other side of the sliding door, he lets out a large breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding. 

Sasuke is by the koi-less pond, just as Naruto had expected, and he looks up when the blonde approaches him, a small frown appearing on his elegant face. He looks… _fuck,_ he looks beautiful- he looks sad, breakable. He looks _thin,_ small despite his height, as if the ill fitting clothes he's wearing are swallowing him up and Naruto wonders for a second if he's been too busy staring down front of Sasuke's shirts to notice how much skinnier he is than he was three years ago. His bones definitely felt more prominent when they sparred but the blonde hadn’t paid it any mind, too caught up in the red fog of anger in his mind, and then with baa-chan, he'd only noticed the bruises. 

"Are you ok?" Naruto asks, receiving an irritated look from the person who's peace he just interrupted. 

"Of course I'm ok," Sasuke says as if he can't believe what he was just asked. “What are you doing out here?” 

Naruto scoffs, just a curt noise that would almost sound like laughter if it wasn’t so sharp. “Shouldn't I be asking you that? What’s the point of having an engagement party if you’re just gonna skip it?”

He plops himself down beside his friend, maintaining about a foot of distance between them, just in case. Stretching his legs out in the grass, Naruto notices the bottle of whiskey clutched tightly in Sasuke’s pale hand, a good bit of it’s contents missing. Surprised, he lifts his gaze to the black haired man’s face, noting that his cheeks are flushed, his dark eyes glassy. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk like this,” Naruto says, and Sasuke responds with a snort. 

“I’m enjoying the party,” he says eventually, sarcasm heavy in his voice as he holds the bottle out to Naruto who doesn’t hesitate to grab it and take a decent sized swig, then another before passing it back. 

They stay this way for a while, sitting in a comfortable silence punctuated only by the sound of the cap being unscrewed from the whiskey bottle and quiet swallows. Naruto knows that this isn’t the best idea- the two of them getting drunk together alone, but he also knows he couldn’t walk away if he wanted to. The peaceful moments in which they're together are the only times that he's able to feel complete, and he can't help but wonder how he was able to make it by himself in Konoha for the past three years, and the three years before that as only half a person, not knowing if the rest of him would ever come home. When he looks up at Sasuke he finds large black eyes already trained on him and for some reason a laugh bubbles up within him, tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop it. _I missed you,_ he wants to say. _So much- I missed you so damn much._

“What?” Sasuke quirks an eyebrow at him but he’s sort of smiling as well, that crooked half smile- half smirk that for once is nothing but honest- not disdainful, not derisive, not forced and Naruto finds himself lost for words. He knows he shouldn’t be throwing all of his anger and disappointment out the window simply because of what happened earlier but right now he can’t help the desire to simply let it go, if only for a little while, just wanting to…

The door opens, light from inside the house pouring out onto the grass. Naruto turns, finding Sakura there in the doorway, a huge drunken smile on her face. 

“Hey, there you guys are!” She calls out, “Sasuke, it’s time to make the announcement.” 

Naruto looks back and forth between the two, immediately perceiving the change in Sasuke’s mood as he stands up and takes a long swig from the bottle of whiskey before passing it to Naruto and fixing him with a glare sharp enough to cut stone. 

“If I’m going in, so are you, dobe.” 

“Sure yeah, I’ll be your uh…” He tries to think of the words Hinata used earlier as he shakily rises to his feet, finding himself far more drunk than he thought. “Moral support! Yeah, that’s right.” 

Sasuke gives him an incredulous yet amused look and it takes every ounce of willpower left in Naruto’s body not to tackle the black haired man to the ground right there- Sakura be damned- and kiss him until they’re both breathless. He shakes these thoughts off quickly though, following his friends back into the living room where everyone has gathered facing one direction.

Naruto watches as Sakura goes to stand at the front of the room with Sasuke following behind her, and when they’re side by side she takes his hand in hers, interlocking their fingers. Hinata, as if on cue, immediately appears beside Naruto and begins to rub comforting circles on his back, keeping him in place as Sakura starts to speak.

“First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for coming tonight. I know it’s late and that a couple of you have work or missions tomorrow but I- _we_ are so happy you could make it to help us celebrate the our engagement. Also, we haven’t set an exact day, but you can expect the wedding to be around two months from now!” 

There’s a loud excited whoop that sounds like Ino’s voice and Sakura turns to Sasuke, grinning up at him. Naruto thinks he sees panic flit across his friend’s features before he smiles back at his fiancé, giving her a small peck of a kiss when she purses her lips at him. This receives more cheering from Ino, who appears to be absolutely plastered and is leaning all of her weight on Sai who eventually puts a hand over her mouth. 

When it’s quiet, Sakura starts speaking again. “Anyway, we’ll be sending formal invitations with the official date soon so keep an eye out for those because we definitely want all of you there.” She giggles, looking at Sasuke who simply shrugs. “I guess that’s it. Thanks again, everyone, for coming and feel free to take some snacks and drinks home with you because there’s definitely too much for just the two of us. I hope you all get home safely and have a great rest of your night!” 

With that, Sakura gives a small polite bow and then turns to Sasuke, kissing his cheek. Naruto can’t help but think the smile he gives her looks forced, but then again, what does he know? _Nothing,_ he reminds himself as he simply stands there, watching as people file out of the house, watching as Sakura whispers something in Sasuke’s ear that makes him sigh but then he picks her up bridal style and carries her towards and up the stairs. 

_I suppose they make a good pair,_ Naruto admits, feeling dejected. _The Uchihas…_

Noticing her friend’s distress, Hinata reaches out to touch Naruto’s back and he jumps a bit, turning towards her, his face utterly despondent. 

“Two months,” he says softly, feeling as if any second the floor is going to open up and swallow him, though even where he stands above ground, he already feels as if he’s been buried alive.

“I’m so sorry. I had no idea things were moving so quickly.” Hinata squeezes his shoulder. 

“Yeah, me neither.” Naruto shrugs. “But whatever, it’s none of my business and I guess they seem happy together right? Sasuke is a grumpy bastard so it’s like it’s not like he’d be blissed out but I mean… They look good together, right?” 

“I don’t know, Naruto-kun. He doesn’t look so happy to me, and he’s gotten pretty skinny. I don’t know if things are as they seem to you.” 

"You see it too." He says, then shrugs off the thought that had started to form in the back of his mind that maybe Sasuke really _is_ unhappy in his engagement. _But what kind of person proposes to someone they aren't happy with?_ "Eh, maybe he just doesn’t like Sakura’s cooking." 

“Maybe, but it's definitely time for us to leave.”

Naruto takes a deep breath to regain his composure, looking around. “Yeah, looks like the party’s over,” he jokes, flashing Hinata a goofy smile. “Come on, Hinata- chan. I’ll walk you home.” 

She thanks him, looping her arm through his in an attempt to give him at least some comfort as they make their way towards the front door, the last of the party guests to leave. As they’re exiting, though, Naruto runs back inside to grab the bottle of sake that he’d brought, relieved to find it still unopened. Anticipating a night alone with his thoughts, he’s sure he’ll need it. 

/ 

After dropping Hinata off, Naruto slowly makes his way home, stopping every so often to enjoy a few swallows of rice wine until he feels the buzz in his head morph into a warm, thick fog. Upon reaching his apartment, he almost startles when he sees a familiar tall slim figure leaning against the wall next to the door, looking equal parts nervous and drunk, hands shoved in his pockets, black hair hanging in his face. 

_Sasuke… What the fuck is-_

“What the fuck are you doing here, teme?” Naruto slurs, fumbling with his keys, the bottle of alcohol tucked under his arm. “Gah! Found it…” He tries to appear as nonchalant as possibly as he steps up beside Sasuke, even though his throat feels like his heart has jumped into it.

“Anyway, what are you-“ 

“Waiting for you, moron. What does it look like?” Sasuke says, sounding amused as he watches Naruto struggle to unlock his front door, succeeding right when it starts to look as if he might need help. “May I come in?”

“Hell, why not. It’s not like tonight can get any worse,” Naruto blabbers, shoving the door open and kicking off his shoes as soon as he enters the apartment. He throws his keys on the kitchen counter, barely noticing the sounds of Sasuke entering and closing the door behind him, the rustle of him removing his own sandals and pushing them neatly up against the wall. “What about Sakura?”

“Sakura fell asleep, thankfully, as soon as I put her on the bed.” 

“Don’t you mean ‘our bed’?” Naruto asks in a mocking tone, taking another gulp of sake before Sasuke snatches the bottle out of his hand, drinking down a good bit himself. 

“No, dobe. And it doesn’t matter either way, because I’m not there now with her. I’m here, with you.” 

“Okaaaaay…” Naruto slowly pivots ninety degrees to face his former teammate, his rival, his best friend- the only person who can both break him and put him back together. “Why are you here?”

“I’m here,” Sasuke says, his voice low as he approaches Naruto until there’s less than a foot between them, setting the bottle down on the counter, “because I’m drunk and not thinking straight and because you were a fucking _idiot_ earlier, Naruto.” 

“Y’know what- fuck you. You’re a fucking asshole and if you came here just to insult me you might as well walk back out that door.” Naruto feels the prickly heat of anger surge through him and grits his teeth. If it’s a fight Sasuke wants, he’ll give him a fucking fight; injured or not, he’s goddamn _asking_ to get knocked out. 

As Naruto is trying to decide, drunkenly slow, whether to throw a stream of insults or a punch in the bastard’s direction, suddenly Sasuke is fisting the front of his shirt and yanking him close in order to cover his mouth with lips that, without the blood and the swelling, are so, so damn soft and warm. Maybe it’s because he’s drunk, or maybe he’s just been wanting this so badly for so long, but Naruto just gives in, gives up, gives himself over to the pure unadulterated need coursing through him and kisses back. 

The kiss is equally hungry and desperate, their tongues both tangling together and dancing around each other as both of them give up the fight for dominance, deciding to just be, just do, just feel, because gods it feels right and wonderful and even though they’re both drunk as hell there’s a sort of clarity to be found in this. A realization for Naruto that the bloody mess of a kiss Sasuke gave him earlier was as purposeful as he thought it accidental. A realization for Sasuke that choosing Naruto is the right thing to do, because _this_ is what he really wants, not Sakura, not the absolute lie of a relationship she managed to trap him in. 

Sasuke realizes that he needs this; he needs these feelings of connection and love and acceptance that he only gets from this one person, his precious person. The nature of their bond is just as spiritual as it is physical, as it is sexual- the fact is that it's only when he and Naruto are together, when they touch, that Sasuke ever feels truly whole. Still, though his drunkenness numbs it, he feels a pang of fear: fear of allowing himself to be so vulnerable, and fear that somehow the other man will be able to tell that he’s used and dirty, damaged, disgusting. 

It wasn’t like this three years ago, Sasuke realizes; when he and Naruto came together for the first time, he didn’t feel Orochimaru’s essence tainting his flesh. No, then it had still laid where he buried it after cutting the snake Sannin to pieces. It hits him that it was Sakura who dug it up again, pulling the shame and memories from their grave and pressing them into the surface of his skin with every unwanted touch, every protest ignored, every instance in which she lay claim to his body as if it were her own. 

Sasuke pushes these thoughts out of his mind, grateful that in his drunken state he’s actually able to do so, to turn his focus to pouring all of himself into this moment, kissing Naruto deeply and clinging to him with trembling hands that never want to let go. In response the blonde moans into his mouth, nibbling and then sucking on Sasuke’s lower lip as his hands slide down to grab a firmly muscled ass, pulling him even closer so that their bodies are fully flush against each other’s. 

Surprisingly it’s the blonde who pulls away first, whispering, “damn,” as he grins, an aura of pure happiness radiating from his heated skin. They rest their foreheads together, panting for the air they’ve been depriving themselves of for the past few minutes. Sasuke decides that he’s willing to let this be it, that he won’t push his friend any further despite the discomfort of his erection straining against the fabric of his pants- content that the one he loves and desires feels something similar. 

He’s about to pull away when Naruto’s eyes, the usual ocean blue of his irises sapphire dark with lust and intoxication, flick up to meet Sasuke’s and the black haired man feels another flood of arousal rise within him, swirling heat directed down from his belly, and his previous restraint shatters completely. He takes in a shuddering breath, giving in to what feels like an otherworldly force pinning him where he stands. 

“I want you.” The words leave him before he even realizes he’s saying them, but then Naruto is kissing him, smiling and saying, “I want you too,” against his lips and that’s all Sasuke needs to hear to give in completely, letting himself be led to the couch he remembers from three years ago. Naruto lies on the cushions and pulls the black haired man down to straddle him. 

One of the blonde’s hands cupping the side of his face, the other on his thigh, Sasuke leans forward against his chest, ignoring the painful protest of his rib cage, to capture the Naruto’s lips in a wet, open mouthed kiss while grinding his hips down. Finding that his friend is just as hard as he is, he continues slowly rocking against him, causing Naruto to throw his head back and moan. 

The hand on his face falls away and warm rough fingers slip under the hem of his shirt, sliding up to fan out over his right pectoral, index finger rubbing against his sensitive nipple and Sasuke can’t help the whimpering sound that falls from his lips, his face heating up in embarrassment. He’s usually very quiet during sex, silent even, but he knows that he couldn't help the noises he made the last time he was with Naruto and he doubts that his self control will be any better now that he’s drunk. 

“Hey,” Naruto’s voice cuts through the blurry haze of Sasuke’s intoxicated thoughts, bringing him back to the present. He realizes that he’s sitting still, shirt still pushed up but the fingers that were previously touching his skin are now dragging along the bandages still wrapped tightly around his ribs. 

“Are you sure this is ok?” Naruto asks softly , concern creasing his brow. “I don’t want to hurt you… I- I don’t want you to get hurt again.” 

“Tch.” Sasuke rolls his eyes at that, though he allows a teasing smirk to grace his lips as he begins to move his hips once more. “Yeah, you kicked my ass so hard earlier that I needed medical attention, but I’m going to get critically injured from dry humping on the couch.” 

“Gods, you’re such a fucking _bastard_ sometimes. And that could totally happen,” Naruto teases back, earning a snort from Sasuke who only grinds against him harder, drawing another moan from the blonde. “Fine, then- mmm…Take- ahh- take your shirt off. I hate it.” 

Sasuke stops moving, lifting an eyebrow. “You hate it?” He asks. Naruto just nods like a child, grabbing a handful of fabric and tugging. “You’re very demanding when you’re drunk.” 

“And you talk a lot. Well, more…” Naruto snickers, but then turns serious. “Last time you wore a shirt like this you were trying to kill me.” 

He’s right. Sasuke hadn’t thought about that when he put it on- he’d found it in a bag full of clothing that he supposed had been salvaged during the reconstruction effort in the Uchiha district and saved for him. It had probably belonged to an older cousin, as it’s the same wide necked, high collared style that he and Itachi had worn as children. The only difference between it and the shirt he wore the day he first left Konoha for Oto is the color, dark gray instead of blue. Still, it wasn’t like he could wear one of his usual shirts without Sakura seeing his injuries and throwing a fit. Whatever. 

He pulls the shirt up and off. “Better?” 

“Yeah,” Naruto responds, his voice low and breathy as he sits up, one hand braced against the seat of the couch to keep him upright and the other going to grip Sasuke’s shoulder as he kisses the man’s unblemished white neck, letting his tongue dart out to taste the skin of his throat, his collarbones, lapping at the flat plane of the left side of his chest before flicking his tongue against a pale pink nipple. 

Sasuke can’t hold back the gasp that escapes him as teeth scape against the tiny nub and he grinds down against Naruto again, even though doing so is growing increasingly uncomfortable- his pants painfully tight, the fabric as wet as it is restricting. He almost thanks Naruto when he feels the man’s hands drunkenly fumbling with the button and then the zipper of his trousers, tugging them down in the front to at last free his throbbing cock, but instead of stroking, the blonde uses the tips of his fingers to gently trace circles over the slippery pink head, swiping at the pre-cum that dribbles from the slit with a slow drag of his thumb. He grins when this elicits something like a whine from the pale man on top of him. 

“Fuck, Sas’,” Naruto almost whispers, his voice husky and low. “I love how fucking wet you get when I touch you.” 

“Shut- ahh…. Shut up,” Sasuke stammers out, but then, looking up at him through fluttering blonde lashes, Naruto brings his thumb, slick with Sasuke's fluid, to his mouth, swirling his tongue around it before lowering his hand again and the black haired man can’t do anything but stare, feeling as if he could cum right then from what he just watched. It’s this thought that brings him to his senses and he moves the other man’s still teasing fingers away from his penis to prevent things from ending before they’ve really even started. When Naruto gives him a funny look he simply lifts the hem of the blonde’s shirt. “Why am I the only one naked? I didn’t come over to put on a show for you, idiot.” 

“Oh, heh- sorry…” Naruto gives a sheepish smile, whipping his shirt off in one surprisingly fluid motion, considering his current level of intoxication, and starts to undo his pants when he suddenly pauses. “So you came over specifically to hook up with me?” 

“Tch, usuratonkachi.” Sasuke slaps the other man’s hands away, taking over the task of unfastening his pants and pulling out his dick, giving it a few quick strokes that cause Naruto’s breath to hitch in his throat as he lies back down, his hands opening and closing as if grabbing something invisible in the air. He seems to come to his senses after moment, though, reaching up to place his hand on the back of Sasuke’s neck and pulling him down into a sloppy kiss. Only then does he grab the Uchiha’s cock again, stroking down to the base a few times before switching to quick pumps closer to the head, rubbing at the spot on the underside of the shaft where it meets the glans with his thumb, and Sasuke shudders, breaking their kiss to bite down on his lower lip, clawing the back of the couch with his free hand. 

Just seeing Sasuke like this, feeling another trickle of pre cum dripping over his fingers, Naruto finds himself suddenly teetering on the edge of cumming. As the pale hand around his own erection slides down and then back up in a twisting motion he feels the intensity of release shoot through him, forgetting what his own hand is supposed to be doing as his toes curl and his sight fizzles out a couple times, cock twitching and squirting cum onto his belly. 

“Fucking shit.” 

His eyes open to find the black haired man smirking at him but the expression fades when Naruto simply grabs his erection again, pumping fast until Sasuke puts a hand on his arm to stop him. 

“Not like that.”

“Oh? Uh, ok.” Naruto doesn’t exactly understand- fast is definitely what got him off- but he stops and goes back to what he was doing at the very beginning, just teasing with the pads of his fingers, sliding his thumb back and forth over the head and rubbing at the slit when it begins to leak again. 

“Ah… Shit… Ah…” Sasuke screws his face up like he’s frowning, biting down hard on his lip again and Naruto is relieved that he’s apparently doing something right, continuing to play with the tip of Sasuke’s cock until it pulses in his hand. “Fuck, don’t stop.” 

The blonde just watches with fascination that makes him forget the sticky mess cooling on his skin as Sasuke opens his mouth in a silent moan and turns his face into the fabric of the couch, his whole body trembling as a thin stream of pearly white fluid weeps from his cock. Thinking he’s cumming, Naruto moves his hand away but then Sasuke makes a weird groaning sound and turns to look at him, his eyes unusually bright. “I said don’t stop, you idiot. It hurts I’m so- ahh…” 

He cuts himself off when Naruto grabs him again with a, “sorry,” stroking evenly and rubbing circles on the head again, his blue eyes jumping back and forth from Sasuke’s erection to his blushing face. Finally, the Uchiha moans, again tilting his head into the sofa.

"Fuck, ok…” Sasuke grunts and then his body tenses, cum shooting in several hot spurts onto Naruto’s hand. When the intensity of his orgasm passes he sits up straight and for a moment the two men just stare at each-other. Then Sasuke’s mouth twitches up on one side and he raises an eyebrow. 

“That was… That was so bad,” he says, but his tone is mocking and he let’s out a breathy laugh. 

“My bad, teme, I’m… I’m extremely fucked up.” Picking up his shirt off the floor, Naruto passes it to Sasuke to wipe up the small amount of semen on his skin before using it to clean himself up. Then he tosses the soiled article to the other side of the room, looking back at his friend with a sheepish grin and raising a hand to the back of his neck. “Like, a lot fucked up..."

“Obviously,” Sasuke rolls his eyes. He too is extremely drunk still, but not about to admit it. When Naruto grabs his arm though and pulls him down to lie beside him on the couch, he complies without complaint, sleepily returning the kiss that the blonde man presses against his mouth. For a second it occurs to him that before he passes out he should sit up and fix his pants up properly, or at least put his dick away. But with one arm stuck between his body and the couch and the other wrapped around Naruto’s chest, the jinchuriki’s unnatural warmth seeping through his skin- he can’t be bothered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that happened. I had to include that part at the end because back in my younger days I literally passed out drunk with my dick out cause I couldn't be bothered. Awkward morning...  
> Yeah, TMI sorry. 
> 
> Ok, finally I can look at this and say I'm ok with it. Hope you guys liked the update, or if you've read this one before, then the changes. And I hope Sasuke is still kind of true to character considering I changed him to be extreme PTSD Sasuke and who's issues are far closer to the surface where in canon he's got a lot more walls up around things and a lot more pride. He's gone through a lot more shit here though- everything from canon plus some. All will be revealed. Idk why I wrote this end note. I've been up all night working on this. Please leave me a comment down below letting me know how you like this chapter. Your reviews are what keep me going!


	5. So We Can Begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I'm updating. I'm sorry for the wait. Three loved ones have died this past month and I just haven't felt like writing or editing. I've been working on this in small bits since the chapter I originally was going to post, I decided to trash and as soon as I started working on what turned out to be this, everything started going to shit. I apologize if this chapter has some editing failures. I just needed to get it on here so I can keep working through the story and I will come back to edit this more thoroughly when it isn't so accutely a representation of my current grief. 
> 
> Ehehm. Now that that's out of the way, if you don't like sex scenes I'm sorry because theres like two limes and a lemon here. (I categorize those as lime does not actually show the sexual acts while a lemon does. Idk if this is right.) also, the one true pairing is sandwiched between another pairing that I really like! Surprise surprise! This is honestly more of a bonus chapter that wraps up chapter 4.  
> It may be a little sad and bleak for Sasuke and Naruto here and they're still hurting but the other couple that I include here is kind of an outside perspective. As well as just being all hot and stuff. 
> 
> But if you're offended by m/m homosexual, fairly graphic sex scenes don't read this chapter. In fact, why are you reading my story, yo? Get outta here with that bullshit.  
> Um... Yeah... I hope you enjoy. Don't worry I'm not planning to do pairing sandwiches regularly. This is just a bonus chapter thing.  
> Quote song is Circa Survive: "Always Getting What You Want"  
> Title comes from another circa survive song, if you know it let me know and, idunno, maybe you win a one shot story request, sns pairing, (in canon universe preferred, I don't really do modern AU). First person to get it, gets that. So yeah! Yay contest. Inspire me to write!  
> I was gonna post another fic on here for NANOWRIMO but that I idea fell in the trash. I need to get my writing shit together. Uhg. Sigh. Ok. Now, enough of my bs- on to the story!!! You're gonna be so surprised when it starts with this pairing you weren't expecting like whoah. But don't worry keep reading, it switches to Naruto and Sasuke.

_Even if you've been so close_

_you're not alone anymore._

_Still we grow_

It’s a decent morning in Konohagakure: warm but not hot, and the sky is decorated with fluffy cumulus clouds- by far the best type to find shapes in. Nara Shikamaru sighs. Yet again, work is preventing him from using such a pleasant day to enjoy his favorite pastime of lying out on the grass with the sun on his face. 

Man, sometimes he really misses being a kid. 

Pulling himself out of his thoughts, he knocks once on the solid, dark stained cedar door of Neji’s tiny shed sized house. After a moment he hears the sound of bare feet padding up to the door and waits for Neji to deactivate the seals placed on the inside. 

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Shikamaru wonders if this is the only building in the section of the Hyuga estate where the main family lives in which there are no servants, no guards or unnecessary protocols in the way of getting inside the house. Not that this is really a house; it's more of a standalone studio apartment on its own near the tree line and separate from the main family’s mansion, yet still closer to it than to the hidden row of small rickety houses occupied by the members of the branch family. 

It was shortly after the war that Shikamaru had seen construction plans for a small structure within the Hyuga complex on the Hokage's desk- he had joked about Hyuga Hiashi using it to lock up Hanabi when she inevitably refused to enter whatever marriage he would arrange for her, but it soon became clear that the building was meant for Neji. Whether the Hyuga patriarch had decided to move his nephew from his shabby former quarters into the small house out of guilt or simply to monitor his wellbeing after he was so horribly injured in the war, no one but Hiashi knows, but Shikamaru can't say he minds getting to stay in the main family’s section of the compound when he comes to visit. 

He’d asked Neji once, back when they still felt like strangers, if he felt guilty about moving out the branch family's quarters? Neji had responded by saying that no one in the branch family felt any guilt over not being staked through the chest during the war. Then his lips curled minutely upwards- in what Shikamaru had assumed served as a polite smile for the clans Hyuga and Uchiha and possibly all the other wealthy, stoic, shinobi families across the continent- and he said that he'd earned his upgrade. An upgrade, indeed, it was. After all, the house may be tiny, but it was built and furnished in the classic Hyuga style. To say the least, it's very nice. 

"Admiring the architecture again?” Neji asks upon opening the door to find Shikamaru standing there, looking up. “The roof this time?"

"At first. Then the clouds," Shikamaru tilts his head down to transfer his gaze from the heavens to the equally ethereal man standing in front of him with curious lilac eyes. His hair is loose for once, hanging past his waist, and the heavy dark strands frame the fine contours of his face like a veil. _Yes, ethereal, always,_ Shikamaru notes, but oddly unraveled as well. There are bags beneath his eyes, heavy dark circles that look like bruises. "You look tired."

"Didn't sleep well. Come in," Neji steps aside to allow the younger man entrance to his studio apartment. Once they’re inside he replaces the soundproofing seals on the door and sighs wearily. 

"Sorry if I woke you." Shikamaru says as he removes his shoes, eyeing the state of the mattress, the sheets slightly tousled, a corner pulled back.

"I was merely in bed, not asleep." Neji replies. “I had to take part in yet another discussion last night about my future within the clan. The war has been over for three years; I shielded their heir three years ago, and they still refuse to make a decision. At this point I cannot bring myself to care if I die with this brand upon my skin.” He points to the intricate green seal exposed on his forehead- Shikamaru’s noticed that he never covers it up with wrappings anymore, and only ever wears his Leaf headband when out on official village business. He can’t help but wonder if Neji shows off the mark because it means nothing to him, or because it means everything; all of Shikamaru’s genius has never extended to comprehending the hazy subtlety of clan dynamics, and the fine line between arrogance and intent, especially when it comes to Neji, is something that, when contemplated, brings him nothing but frustration. 

“You don’t care _now_ ,” Shikamaru huffs, approaching his boyfriend to smooth stray wisps of hair back from the Hyuga’s frowning face. “But when we have kids and the elders of your clan come to-“ 

“Our kids will be Nara, not Hyuga,” Neji cuts in, and though his tone is soft, the steely set of his eyes shows Shikamaru that he’s serious about this. “I won’t let the elders so much as look at them.” 

Then he steps away (effectively ending the conversation before it veers into the subject of the continuation of family lines)and walks to the bed, singly focused on the messy linens as if the threads from the sheets have reached out to pull him in. He moves stiffly, but ever graceful, lifting and folding, tugging and smoothing- the Hyuga are frustratingly neat people, the epitome of earthly perfection: they dress neat, they fight neat, they sleep and eat and fuck neat and Neji is no exception, only relaxing his shoulders once the bed is perfectly made. Everything he does serves to compliment him; even the most mundane of tasks highlight just how _above it all_ he is and Shikamaru can’t help assuming the part of enraptured audience. 

"Anyway… What brings you here?" Neji asks, standing straight now against the foot of the bed, arms crossed. The gauzy off-white yukata he's wearing is still just a tad too big despite that he's finally starting to put on some much needed weight. (Shikamaru can't help but recall the way he looked two and three years ago, like death walking, and how all of his bones lay sharp and fragile just beneath his too pale skin.) The garment hangs a bit crooked and Shikamaru fights the urge to step right up to the other man, to slide his fingers beneath the neckline of the yukata and push the fabric down Neji’s shoulder- what he'd do to expose that skin... 

_Troublesome_ , Shikamaru sighs; he didn't come here for sex, though he wouldn't mind, now that he's here, just a quick... _No, no, no._ He uncurls his fists, again shoving his hands down his pockets. 

"The Hokage wants us to come in for additional briefing before we leave for Suna this afternoon,” he explains, and takes a deep breath before continuing. “I just thought I'd stop by on my way to Naruto's apartment in case he ended up here last night. I have a feeling he forgot about the mission today." 

"Why would be here? What’s happened?" 

Already feeling a bit guilty over having not been to visit in over a week, Shikamaru suddenly remembers that Hinata has been away in the Land of Tea for the past several days, and since Neji rarely leaves the compound unless he has a mission... 

_Of course he doesn’t know about the drama; he’s been completely fucking alone._

Shikamaru decides to change the subject and is running a suitable apology through his mind when Neji snaps his fingers at him. He quickly looks up, finding an expression of half amusement, half impatience on the Hyuga’s face. 

“You’re always thinking too much. I asked, what happened?” 

"Oh, uh- Uchiha is back and Naruto's a complete wreck," Shikamaru explains, huffing out a laugh. Somehow he’ll make it up to Neji for not visiting, later…

“Yesterday,” he continues, “when I was leaving the tower to run some errands for the Hokage I saw them come in together and fuck, man, you should have seen Uchiha all bloody and messed up. I guess they were sparring and something went wrong- there was blood all over Naruto’s hands. I doubt they wanted to be seen so I made sure I was well hidden, but they went in to Tsunade-sama’s office.”

"Why would their spar go wrong?" Neji looks puzzled. "I’d have thought that Naruto would be overjoyed right now. He’s been pining like a fool for Uchiha to return to Konoha." 

Smiling, Shikamaru shakes his head. If he's going to be explaining _this_ , he might as well take a seat, so he crosses the room to settle on the bed.

"Somehow, Sakura got Uchiha to propose to her,” he says, chuckling at the utter ridiculousness of the situation. "They came back to Konoha acting like like a married couple, man- they even live together already, in this house in the Uchiha district. They had the engagement party last night and..." 

A rare expression of stunned confusion plays across the Hyuga's features, his moonstone eyes wide. Shikamaru doesn't even notice his words trailing off, too busy wishing they were outside so he could smoke; he needs something to distract his hands, his mouth, especially when Neji suddenly sits down next to him, close enough that Shikamaru can feel his body heat radiating through the thin fabric of his yukata. 

_Fuck, I want to..._

Kiss him, push him down- push him back on the bed, strip his clothes off... 

"Shikamaru." 

"Eh? Oh, sorry, you have me distracted," Shikamaru says honestly, unable to keep himself from reaching out and sliding his fingers along Neji's obi, stopping at the knot. It's tied loose enough that he could just... _No, dammit, get your shit together._ He clears his throat, brings his hands back to himself. "I was saying that the Uchihas- I still can’t even believe this shit... They had an engagement party and Naruto was there for some of it; by the end he looked to be drunk off his ass. Last I saw him he was walking Hinata home. I thought he might have ended up crashing with you to be honest." 

"No, I haven't seen him at all,” Neji replies, a sincere frown on his face that slips away as the younger man continues to watch him. 

"Hm," Shikamaru nods. "I'll have to check his place then." He should be standing up now. He should be going now, but instead he just keeps watching Neji whose lips slide into a teasing smirk. That's all it takes for his cock- fucking hell, he’s been half hard since he stepped through the doorway- to grow fully erect, for him to realize that he's not leaving anytime soon: mouth dry, hands twitching. All of a sudden it feels so wrong for them to be empty. 

Seeing Neji like this, undone and underdressed, reminds Shikamaru of when they first got together. After a three month break in his relationship with Temari, she had suggested they get back together but keep it open. He’d agreed despite hating the idea, if only to have her back- anything to have her back- and somehow he’d gotten in the habit of complaining about it to Neji whenever he'd visit to deliver messages from Tsunade. 

What had prompted things to move past friendship he doesn't even remember. He's always thought Neji to be too pretty for his own good, and too honorable to be a damn Hyuga, but the other man had always intimidated him somewhat. Even during the months right after the war, when he'd been bedridden with his torso carved up, and too weak to even sit up straight, he still seemed godlike- untouchable- until one day he just... didn't. Witty banter turned to flirting, which quickly led to everything else. 

The first time had been incredibly awkward, despite Shikamaru's intelligence and Neji's grace; the Hyuga's scars were still red and raw looking and the Nara had been terrified of hurting him. But after that- gods, after that... When Shikamaru told Temari, he'd expected for her to be somewhat upset but she'd simply grinned and shrieked, "You fucked Hyuga Neji!” 

And then the first time that all three of them had gotten together, gods bless, now that had been...

"Shikamaru." 

Shikamaru barely manages to keep himself from jumping as his mind snaps back to the present moment. Realizing that Neji is looking at him, he experiences the rarity of acting before his mind can catch up, unable to stop himself from reaching out to grasp the collar of Neji's yukata between his fingers, the back of his hand resting against the warm skin of the other's chest. It's still morning, early enough for them to just, quickly... 

He's surprised to feel strong, slim fingers wrap around the base of his ponytail, pulling him in close so that their lips almost brush. 

"I know it's been a while, but I've never quite seen you stall like this before," Neji says, voice low, taunting, though his mouth curls upward. 

Shikamaru can't help but smirk in response, resisting the urge to immediately close the distance between them. Neji's breath is almost ticklish, fanning out over his mouth; each puff of air seems to bump his body temperature up a degree, heat rising- shameless and obvious- between his legs. "You seem to be in a hurry," he teases.

"I was of the impression that you were just stopping by on your way to more important people and places." 

"So troublesome..." Shikamaru finally pushes Neji's yukata open in the front, sliding the thin fabric down his shoulders, baring the ivory skin of his chest. It's really has been a while- he knows Neji has been training like crazy, determined to regain some of the strength and control that came to him so easily before he was injured, and it shows. He's still thinner than he was pre-war, but when Shikamaru's fingers trace over his chest there is defined muscle- solid under the softness of his skin. "I think I might stay here for a little while."

The response is a not of amusement, not quite a laugh. Shikamaru rolls his eyes. He's only able to marvel at the beautiful body beneath his hands for a second before Neji, still smiling, finally pulls him in for a kiss: soft, eager lips, the swipe of tongue that Shikamaru opens up for. His fingers move at a more frantic pace, hesitant to leave the smooth warmth of bare skin but this damn robe needs to come off so... 

He starts working at the knot of the obi, trying not to get distracted by the slick of Neji's tongue against his own, the taste of his mouth. When the knot falls away he immediately goes to work on the smaller ties but Neji grabs one hand to place on his thigh, guiding it to the split in the fabric of his yukata and underneath, up to his hip where he leaves it. 

Shikamaru manages to (one handed and absent-minded) undo the tie he was working on but he barely notices his success, distracted by the lack of fabric beneath his fingers, the fact that, _shit_ , Neji isn't wearing anything at all besides the yukata. He pauses, squeezing the inner crease of Neji's thigh- _fuck his skin is so soft_ \- as Neji breaks their kiss to trail lips down to his jaw and then up towards his ear, nibbling, sucking, and he can't hold back the moan that spills from his throat. Hands slide under his shirt, pushing it up, up; teeth graze over his ear lobe, right above the small silver stud going through it and Shikamaru feels his cock, already achingly hard, twitch against the horribly uncomfortable tightness of his pants. 

Because Neji is a stubborn, proud fucker who rarely touches him first, Shikamaru decides to make him wait a little longer, letting his wrist brush teasingly against the head of Neji's cock before returning to the ties of his yukata. He rushes through undoing them and then pulls the robe open, his breath catching as it always does when ever he sees Neji exposed like this because _gods_ , it doesn't make sense for anyone to be this beautiful. 

And he looks better, healthier, with wiry muscle defining his lithe form; his ribs are less visible and even in his slumped position leaning against the wall, Shikamaru can see the outlines of his abdominals. He traces his fingers down the new firmness of Neji's flesh, across the left side of his chest, pausing to tweak a pale pink nipple, then down towards his navel, stopping his hands here while his eyes travel down to the slender length of his cock, flushed and rigid against his stomach. 

Shikamaru withdraws with hesitation, the silken warmth of Neji's skin a ghost on his fingertips as he stands and makes quick work of undressing, whipping his shirt over his head and pulling his pants and boxers down together. Then he goes to get the lube from a drawer in the tansu before returning to the bed. Tiny shivers thrum through his body- nervousness; he realizes that his hand is shaking when he wraps it around his erection. Two and a half years and still, he gets shaky being with Neji... 

How could he not? 

Neji is beautiful, regal, with the blood of old gods in his veins, and the ugly shadows in Shikamaru's head tell him that he's not good enough, not enough at all, but he forces them down. Stamps them out before their whispers start to fog the space in his mind and turns his focus back to the man on the bed, to the pleasure sparking through him as he moves his hand over his cock. 

Completely removing the yukata and laying it over the edge of the bed, Neji looks over at his partner and his eyes mirror Shikamaru's own desire and eagerness as he slowly strokes himself, thumb swiping over the head of his cock, spreading around the pre-cum beading at the slit. 

Shikamaru loves seeing Neji like this- vulnerable and bare, all of his perfectly constructed walls of manner and stoicism torn asunder- _not Hyuga Neji, just my Neji._ Shikamaru has never mentioned this but he'd be alright spending an entire afternoon watching Neji lounge about naked instead of studying the clouds. Watching him: eyes closed and head tipped back, waterfall of silky hair draped over his shoulders and falling to his hips, long thin fingers curled loosely around his cock, languidly sliding up and down, feather light touches making his breathing heavy, drawing soft gasps as he thumbs the tip. 

Normally Shikamaru would have interrupted by now, inserted himself in front of Neji with a kiss and both hands grasping for warmth but he stays still and silent, watching: Neji's lips, slightly parted until he sucks in the bottom one to pin between his perfect teeth, his chest- so much smooth ivory skin- rising and falling with each heavy breath, his dick-the glans slick and blush-red behind his hand. He's barely touching himself- just teasing, sliding his fingers up his cock from balls to tip, and then back down again, drawing out the pleasure as much as he can; Shikamaru knows that this is for him. 

He likes to watch and Neji likes when he watches, so Shikamaru doesn't tear his eyes away, but fuck, how could he? Stroking up to the tip of his own cock, Shikamaru rubs two fingers up and down over the wickedly sensitive spot where the underside of the head meets the shaft; watching Neji gasp, hips arching up into his hand, so fucking beautiful and- 

"Fuck..." Shikamaru groans at the wave of pleasure that hits him out of nowhere; gods it's so hard to watch like this without cumming, and he's forced to lift his fingers, looking down at his twitching cock, pre-cum oozing in a steady stream from the slit. He barely gets a breath in before Neji is over him, kissing him- open mouthed, wet and messy- pushing him onto his back on the bed and Shikamaru has to squeeze the base of his penis to keep the impending orgasm at bay. 

"Fuck... me..." he pants against Neji's lips and Neji hums in amusement, breaking the kiss but still hovering close. 

"I thought you were about to cum." 

"Not yet," Shikamaru replies, holding up the small bottle of lube and letting go of his cock to grab Neji's instead, earning a groan that makes him shudder. It's been too long since they've taken the time to do more than jack each-other off. "Please?" 

Neji chuckles rumbling and low; he kisses Shikamaru again and pulls back to find him smiling. 

"What happened to the tasks you were so devoted to earlier?" Neji asks, but the tone of his voice says that he's already made up his mind. "Aren't you supposed to be going to find Naruto?'

Smile widening into a grin, Shikamaru leans up to nip at Neji's throat, then kisses his lips, pressing the bottle of lube to his chest. "Naruto can wait." 

/

Naruto wakes himself up with brain rattling snore that shoots him out of a dream and into a state of partial awareness. Sniffing hard to clear his sinuses, he blinks a few times without really seeing and rolls his shoulder inwards to curl his arm over his chest. He's on the couch- his brain processes that first, factoring the scruffy fabric against his cheek, the lack of blanket- and... naked? His ass is bare to the air conditioning and his dick is hard against his belly but he isn't cold and, no, he senses the fabric of his pants over his legs. Satisfied enough with the notion that he must passed out after jacking off again- at least he's not on the floor this time so his back shouldn't be too stiff when he gets up- he sighs, deciding that he might as well stay on the couch since he's been on it all night. He's about to settle back into sleep when he feels a gentle puff of air whisper across his cheek and everything comes to him at once. 

Sasuke.

Blue eyes open on a familiar pale face- hell, his _favorite_ face- and he finds himself smiling as warmth blooms, petals unfolding, in his chest. 

_He stayed._

Naruto almost can't believe it, that it wasn't a dream. Sasuke really did come over, he really said all those things, ( _holy shit, he said he wanted me..._ ) they really hooked up and fell asleep together and Sasuke _stayed_. Naruto doesn't bother to ask himself why that means everything to him but it does, and he feels his heart swell, feels fluttering wings in his stomach, wants to wrap his arms around his friend and pull him in close but he forces himself to remain still, settling for being able to watch the man sleep. 

He's almost forgotten what Sasuke looks like when he's relaxed, without the lines of worry that have creased his face for as long as Naruto has known him. Asleep, he looks impossibly peaceful- he looks _younger_ , even, and so pretty. Gods, he's so pretty, the prettiest person Naruto has ever seen. He can't help himself from reaching out to sweep away a lock of feather soft hair that's fallen across Sasuke's forehead; can't help but brush fingertips against his smooth cheek.

Naruto's has heard all his life about how attractive the Uchiha clan was: he supposes that perhaps Madara was alright for a centuries old living corpse, and Itachi was pretty handsome- he had a stronger jaw than Sasuke, and fuller lips- but Sasuke is... Is out of this world- a seraphic beauty- utterly lovely and stunningly powerful: flawlessly, dangerously both. 

But now, asleep, puffing breaths through parted lotus petal lips, one hand resting beneath a pale cheek, he looks soft- safe, even. Naruto, though, refuses to be deceived by appearances. He’s learned that Sasuke can be soft at times, yes, but safe- _never_ (much like a razor blade that can sit- smooth, deceivingly gentle- in the middle of your palm, only to cut as you close your fist.) 

As with closing his hand around a goddamned blade, Naruto has learned the hard way not to touch Sasuke with any applied pressure while he’s sleeping. Instead, he has his eyes scan Sasuke's every inch, memorizing just in case- no- just _because_. After what happened last night, he refuses to entertain the thought of there ever again being a time where he won't be able to stand face to face with the person the universe has bound him to. 

Still he traces Sasuke's face - his long black lashes, fine cheekbones, mouth like a double curved bow- and then slides his gaze over his torso- his jutting collar bones, ribs straining against white tissue paper skin; his stomach caves in right where they end. 

He is… _gods_ , he is so thin and Naruto has to ball his hands into tight fists as his anger flares to keep from shaking Sasuke awake to ask what the fuck is going on with him. But the anger quickly redirects to stab at his own chest, where it morphs into an anvil of guilt. How did he not notice how bad it was when they were sparring, when they were... Damn it, he wants to smack himself. 

He knows he's always been too hot headed, hot blooded, for his own good, but the fact that he never once thought to ask Sasuke if something was wrong... No- that would've just pushed him away, right? Naruto is not the type to be afraid of anything, but the thought of the Uchiha not wanting to talk to him, to be around him, causes dread to prick at his neck, to push down the thousand questions bubbling around his tongue. 

Biting his lip, Naruto snuggles in closer to Sasuke, let's his eyes drop down to his sharp hipbones. He suppresses a laugh- _so I guess we both passed out with our pants down_ \- that dies out on its own when his gaze lands on Sasuke's erection. 

Gods, he's got a nice cock. A bit smaller than Naruto's own- but still a good size- smooth and straight with a nicely shaped head. He isn't very hairy either- just a thin trail leading down from his belly button to form a sparse patch at the base of his dick. 

_Of course he's fucking perfect down there too._

Naruto closes his eyes for a second and remembers how nice it felt to hold Sasuke's cock in his hands, warm and heavy, slick- dripping over his fingers - how he moaned at the lightest touches, and hid his face when he was about to cum. 

Feeling his own cock twitch, Naruto wraps his hand around the shaft, just holding it. If he wanted, he could probably cum almost instantly- _figures, since I'm next to naked Uchiha fucking Sasuke_ ; a few quick strokes is all it’ll take to send him tumbling over the edge. _Nah, that’d be awkward, right?_ Letting go, he folds his arm up by his head and tries not to think of the heavy ache in his groin. 

This proves an impossible torture; just the scent of Sasuke’s skin sends another rush of blood down to his penis and when grabs his cock again, swiping away the bead of pre-cum glistening on the head, he barely manages to keep his moan in check. 

He experiments with teasingly moving his fingers the way he touched Sasuke last night, and though it feels good, it’s definitely not enough for him. Instead he slides a nice tight grip up the length of his cock and without thinking, rubs his thumb over the tip, pressing down on the slit. This time he can't hold back the throaty moan that erupts from his mouth, thinking that maybe he should flip over or roll of the couch or something when black eyes open on him, bleary and wide with confusion at first before narrowing upon looking down. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" 

Sasuke's smooth, deep voice sends a shiver through Naruto's bones, making his skin tingle and replacing his thoughts with static. He can't think, can only do, and releasing his dick, he grabs Sasuke's shoulder and pulls him into a kiss.

Sasuke makes a groaning sound but he kisses back, kisses harder, turning onto his back with the blonde on top of him. His eyes fall back in his skull when Naruto’s hips roll down into his own, dragging their erections together and creating a teasingly slow, even rhythm that Sasuke eagerly matches. 

Naruto nibbles at Sasuke’s lips, across his jaw to the soft spot below his ear, drawing a moan from the black haired man that makes both of them shudder. He feels Sasuke harden fully against him, feels Sasuke’s cock twitch and ooze, giving the friction between them a perfect slickness that leave Naruto gasping for breath. 

“Fuck, Sasuke- so good... So fucking good.” 

Sasuke makes a sound that’s something between a groan and a whine in response but he wraps a leg around Naruto to draw him even closer, speeding up the pace with his his hips cause _gods_ he’s already so close. So close that his whole body is shaking, his cock throbbing, leaking heavily, pressure growing, tightening in his balls, in his stomach. 

“Nnnn, shit-“ he manages, rutting against the blonde even faster. “…’m so close…” 

Naruto threads his hand through Sasuke’s silky black hair, drawing him in to place a bruising kiss against his swollen red lips. He trails kisses down to a pale jaw; Sasuke tilts his head back to allow Naruto access to his neck and the blonde sucks, bites, leaving crimson hickies and violet bruises down his throat and out towards his shoulders, all the while keeping up the movement of his hips until he finds himself balancing on the knifes edge of release.

“Yeah, bout to cum,” Naruto gasps, burying his face in the warmth of Sasuke’s throat as he feels his peak fast approaching. 

“Fuck,” Sasuke grunts and when he throws an arm over his face, cock pulsing hard enough to jump, Naruto let’s himself go, allowing the roll of their hips to bring them off together. Immediately, orgasm hits him like a bullet train, punching the air from his lungs and whiting out his vision as he ejaculates, semen pooling on sweaty skin. 

A moment later Sasuke follows him into climax, grinding his teeth into his bottom lip as his hips buck, hot ribbons of cum squirting over him and Naruto both before finally slowing to a trickle, dribbling from the slit in his cock as it begins to soften, leaving him panting and shaking. As soon as he can move again he hurriedly swipes at the moisture gathered in his eyes. 

_That was_ \- Sasuke ponders, thoughts still swirling and blurry, vague; he finds himself unable to finish the inference, overwhelmed. It’s almost too much, that he let himself be touched, let himself cum- all completely sober… Still, it was so… _Naruto_ was- _gods_ he was good, it felt so good. 

Sasuke can’t help the small smile that slides onto his lips as he pulls Naruto in close despite the wet squelch of cum between them, kissing him. Naruto cradles his face like he’s something precious and rare, kisses back slow and deep and when he pulls away that stupid grin is on his face; fuck, he’s practically glowing in the mid-morning light streaming in from the window, his big blue eyes happy and bright. 

“Shower?” He offers and Sasuke nods, tentative, afraid that his bewilderment is displayed plainly on his face. 

If it is, Naruto doesn’t comment on it, just laces their fingers together and leads him into the bathroom, babbling something about having had to clean it, something about Kakashi being a bastard as he turns on the taps. Sasuke hears only pieces over the buzzing in his head. He hasn’t felt like this since he was in Konoha after the war, when he first realized that he was in love, so fucking in love that he couldn't comprehend how he’d ever been able to confuse it for anything else, the way it wells up and moves through him, crowding out everything else.

He can’t believe he thought he’d be able to shove it down when he agreed to be with Sakura, to convince himself that he could return to Konoha and live there without Naruto at his side, in his home, in his bed. It’s embarrassing, almost, that though Sakura may have tricked him into thinking that he owed her his love and his name, he lied to himself as well. Tricked himself into thinking that if he just tried harder- to love her, to be the man she thought he was and wanted him to be- he could learn to be content within her clutch, even as, like a python, it wrapped around him tighter each day. (That if he just leaned into the squeeze, he’d learn to live without air.)

The worst part, he thinks, is that for all of his supposed genius, he’d somehow made himself believe that her possessive desperation for him was actually _love_ , and that if he just worked hard enough at it, he could grow to love her too. Fuck, he’d been so convinced that she _deserved_ it, all of it: the house, the marriage, his returned affections, children… 

_What a fucking fool I was._

Without Tsunade… If she hadn’t decided to overstep professional boundaries for him- for someone who had betrayed her village and brought harm to shinobi under her care- if she hadn’t told him the truth, (that love, that a relationship was not something to be earned and owed) would he have realized on his own? Throwing a quick glance at Naruto, bent over to adjust the faucets and check the water temperature, smiling still, Sasuke decides that he would have, eventually. There no way he could have gone forever without realizing where he needed to be, but even so, he doesn’t take Tsunade’s confrontation lightly, knowing that if he’d been left alone he likely would have come to the truth too late, once he was already married perhaps. 

Chewing the inside of his cheek, Sasuke reflects on the hushed conversation he and Tsunade had as she was healing his ribs. The second Naruto had disappeared to go wash the blood off his face the Godaime had eyed him pointedly and asked if he’d done the right thing yet. When he said no, exasperated at not knowing what was the right thing to do (the engagement party was in a few hours- Naruto was angry with him) Tsunade had simply shaken her head, said, “After the engagement party, go talk to him. See where he stands and then act accordingly.” 

_Funny how that ended up_ , he thinks sardonically. 

“That doesn’t mean you tell him about the mission,” she’d continued, “and either way, you need to immediately end things with Sakura. Even if Naruto throws you out of his house, he’ll come around. There’s no need to keep ingesting poison just because you aren’t sure when the antidote will arrive.” 

_Wise_ _woman_. Sasuke sighs, casting his eyes over to Naruto who is now watching him curiously. 

“I always wonder where your mind goes when you stare off like that,” he muses, coming to stand close to Sasuke, pressing a kiss to the side of his face. “Water is hot.” 

Sasuke merely nods, allows Naruto’s soft lips to capture his own, smirking when he feels the blonde grinning into the kiss. The blonde’s expression is radiant when he pulls back, but then he goes serious, taking in the marks on Sasuke’s neck and shoulders. 

“We have to get somebody to heal these, before you go home to Sakura. I didn’t mean for them to show up like that.”

Sasuke feels a stab in his chest at the pain in Naruto’s voice, the sadness on his face. When Naruto reaches up to softly touch one of the red wine colored spots, Sasuke grabs his hand and holds it there, warm against his skin. 

“Don’t worry about them.” He sighs, dropping Naruto’s hand and jerking his head towards the shower. “Come on, dobe, the water is gonna get cold.” 

“Yeah, but…” Naruto frowns, confused, but follows Sasuke’s lead in stripping naked and climbing into the shower. They bathe quickly, not speaking; Sasuke keeps his eyes to himself, brows furrowed in thought until they’ve both washed the sweat and cum from their bodies. As soon as the soap is rinsed away, though, he turns to Naruto and gently presses him back against the wall, claiming his mouth in a forceful, desperate kiss, biting at his lips, sliding his tongue into his mouth, still sour with the leftover taste of alcohol but neither of them care, kissing until they’re forced to pull away from each-other, breathless. “Sasuke, what-“ 

“It’s a lie,” Sasuke says, cutting him off, stepping back to put space between them for his confession to pour into. “Sakura... And- and me...Us, I mean. It’s all been a lie. Something- something bad happened when I was gone and Sakura came to find me. I was half dead but she nursed me back to health and told me she loved me and that after everything she’d done she deserved for me to try. She said she just wanted to be with me… And I was so guilty- _fuck_. I was so guilty over the shit that happened and then of course out of everyone it was _her_ who came to find me. I was so fucking guilty and so _angry_ at myself for still being alive, and she made me hate myself for everything I put her through after Itachi died, with that genjutsu, and for trying to kill her but... But she was there. She was the only person there, the only person around me for almost a year and I thought- I thought that I actually did owe it to her… She told me that I needed to marry her and I said that I would; I thought that, maybe… Maybe I’d feel like for once I was doing the right thing. Especially since she’d told me you were with the Hyuga girl; I thought that if you moved on, that at least in paying my debt to Sakura I wouldn’t be hurting you…” He stops there, tries to inhale, to calm himself, but his throat is tight and he only manages to choke.

“Sasuke, I don’t… What do you mean ‘your debt’? And she said- I never moved on…” Naruto looks confused. “Wait, you mean Hyuga Hinata? Sakura said this? When?”

Sasuke finally managed to pull in a trembling deep breath, avoiding Naruto’s imploring face. “Yes, she mentioned that you were dating Hyuga Hinata not long after she found me.” 

“But,” Naruto starts slowly, his cerulean eyes wide yet abnormally unreadable. “But why would Sakura lie like that? I was never even with Hinata-chan.”

“She said that she didn’t lie, just that she saw you two somewhere lying in the grass in each other’s arms and made an assumption.” Sasuke turns in order to sag his weight against the wall in the space beside Naruto, dropping his chin down to his chest. He’s exhausted just from speaking, feels as if rotten marrow has been pulled from his bones leaving him hollow and brittle. He barely lifts his eyes when he hears Naruto laughing bitterly, glancing up in time to see him shake his head and rub at the back of his neck in exasperation. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all of that.” Sasuke feels his skin start to burn, shame searing him in his nakedness, and he wraps his arms around himself. He feels like an idiot for saying so much, for thinking that… Fuck, he doesn’t know what he thought. “I understand if you don’t believe me.”

He moves to exit the shower but Naruto stops him.

“No, no don’t go, please.” Naruto’s hand on his shoulder is a surprise; it moves up the side of his neck, caressing his jaw, lifting up his chin so that Sasuke has no choice but to look at him. “I want to know everything. It’s just that- with Sakura… I don’t know what she’s thinking sometimes. That never happened, what she told you.”

Sasuke jerks back, away from Naruto’s touch, and levels a scowl at him. “What do you mean by that?” 

“I mean just what I said- it didn’t happen. I don’t get why Sakura would make something like that up.” Naruto starts rubbing at his nape again and Sasuke feels tempted to shove him, shake him, scream at him to fucking _explain_ but then he continues on his own. “When you came back to Konoha after the war- like, literally only a few days before me and you got together- Hinata confessed that she had feelings for me and I turned her down, but that’s as far as anything between us went, Sasuke, I swear. I felt pretty bad about it cause apparently she was in love with me forever, but I just... I didn’t want anybody else but you.”

Any other moment, Sasuke thinks that he might have been touched, but right now he just feels sick, irritated. “What about-“ 

“That other thing, right,” Naruto interrupts, “Whatever Sakura said about Hinata-chan cuddling with me in a field is completely bogus. Hinata’s the Hyuga heiress; she can’t be out doing stuff like that. She’s been off and on with Kiba for two years and I think Shino and I are the only ones who know. I’ve never even seen them hold hands.” 

“Oh…” Sasuke can’t do anything but blink, trying to stop the spinning in his head. 

“So you thought I was with Hinata this whole time?” 

The Uchiha nods, gnawing at his upper lip which has not yet been bitten bloody, then shakes his head. “No, only up until that night where you came for dinner. I pressed Sakura on it after we went to bed and that’s when she…” 

She lied. Made up an entire story of the just to make him feel more alone. To make him feel forgotten, abandoned, and fucking hell, it _worked_. 

“Honestly, I didn’t date anyone the whole time you were gone,” he hears Naruto say but his voice seems far off, filtered as if Sasuke is listening from inside a bubble. “I mean, I tried a couple times, I guess, to get on with my life but… I just didn’t want anyone else. Man, everyone thought I was crazy cause I just sat around waiting for you for three years. It wasn’t like before the war when I was chasing after you. Yeah, they thought I was insane then too but at least I knew where you were, what you were doing. Why you left, y’know?” 

Sasuke tries to ignore the sting in the corners of his eyes, blinking back the tears that threaten to fall. When Naruto moves in close, reaching arms around him, he starts to tense up before realizing that the blonde is just unwrapping the soiled, wet bandages from around his ribcage. 

“I’m going to end things with Sakura today, when I go home,” he says. Maybe, he had expected to feel relief when he said these words but a heaviness settles over him instead and he rocks under the invisible weight. 

Blonde brows furrow; hands hurriedly drop the sopping bundle of bandages and reach out to steady him in an embrace he almost collapses into. 

“You don’t have to. I mean, if you can’t do it yet- I know this is fast and I don’t want to rush you, so if you don’t want to…” 

“I do,” Sasuke cuts in. The nod that Naruto gives him is curt but his blue eyes are both watery and grateful; the arms around him, ever careful of his ribs, minutely tighten their embrace. Then for a minute there’s quiet, only the sound of the water and mismatched breathing. Still, the pain deep within Sasuke’s chest doesn’t subside, and somehow he knows that the blonde shinobi feels it inside himself too. 

“I wish things could have gone back to normal right when you came back,” Naruto whispers against Sasuke's bony shoulder, causing the black haired man to shiver because that- those words are all the confirmation he needs. He can’t help but wonder if it’s too late for them to be whole together. 

“Were we ever normal?” Sasuke asks, exhaling a short laugh that sounds almost like a sob. He’s surprised when Naruto, leaning against him says, 

“Yeah. For a little while I think we were.” 

/

Shikamaru walks with Neji slightly behind him, leading the way through streets the Hyuga would have no reason to know. It’s not that Naruto lives in a bad area- Konoha is far too proud and showy to have slums within its walls (especially since everything had to be rebuilt after Pain turned the village to rubble)- but it’s a far cry from the guarded communities owned by the larger shinobi families. There aren’t any houses here, for one; instead, apartments rise up several stories into the slightly overcast sky. 

“Are you fine climbing?” Neji asks as they approach a building with a staircase going up the front of it. His expression shifts from blank contentment to a smug smile when the Nara throws a dark glare over his shoulder. 

"He’s on the first floor,” Shikamaru grumbles, multitasking as he sorts through his mental filing system of the house and apartments numbers of his friends while simultaneously recalling what he was doing a couple hours ago. Yes, the sex was incredible, but he has to admit that it was dumb to bottom before a mission, even though he’s sure that to the average non-byakugan-possessing eye he’s walking just fine. Still, he takes extra caution not to limp as he approaches Naruto’s door, muttering curses under his breath with each step; if there’s anyone who’s likely to give him a hard time for being sore, it’d be the ninja whose home he’s about to enter. 

Well, him and the person responsible. 

“You know, I hadn’t been intending to top,” Neji teases, and Shikamaru has to hold back from elbowing him in the gut. 

“I should have just told you to meet me at the Hokage Tower and left you and your massive drag of a dick at home.” 

Neji chuckles softly at that, following the shorter man up to one of the doors and watching him knock; no response comes that time or the next. Sighing, Shikamaru rolls his eyes and bends down to grab the key out from under the mat. He can’t help but wince at the pain that shoots through him, straightening up quickly, key in hand. “Damn it all, man, _fuck_.” 

In an instant Neji is beside him, over him, concern lining his face. “Are you alright?” 

Shikamaru manages not to bristle as he normal would, knowing it wouldn't be right to get irritated at him; he did, after all, rush Neji through prepping him, desperate to have him inside, too fucking horny to care if it hurt at the time.

“I’m fine.” He points his thumb towards the door in an attempt to pull his mind back to the present moment and swallows hard despite his dry throat. “Told you he forgot the mission. He’s probably asleep.” 

Maybe. He’s used the ‘last resort key’ a handful of times and only twice has the blonde knucklehead turned out to actually be sleeping; usually he’s employing a variant of the ‘pretend not to be home and hope they go away’ technique. It’s likely that this is exactly what he’s doing now, but Shikamaru still knocks one last time, turning his ear towards the door to listen, hearing nothing. “Yup.” 

The silence breaks as he unlocks and slowly pushes the door open; he hears Naruto’s voice first. 

“Whoa, what the fuck? Hey, the fuck!” 

A deeper voice follows, that Shikamaru quickly recognizes as belonging to Uchiha Sasuke. “Please tell me the door hasn’t been sitting unlocked all night.” 

“No, I swear,” Naruto protests. 

“It was locked,” Shikamaru cuts in, lifting up the key as he and Neji step into the apartment. Thankfully the men in front of them are clothed- Sasuke with the exception of his shirt as Naruto appears to be sloppily wrapping bandages around the lower half of his horribly bruised chest- but the air smells like sex and the both of them have wet hair. For Shikamaru, it takes a little less than two full seconds for the entirety the situation to click into place. 

_Of course this is happening._

Shikamaru pictures Sakura at the engagement party last night, a huge smile on her face, and feels sorry for her. Even so, she should know better than anyone that no force of man, of nature- hell, not even the gods themselves could come between these two. _What a drag. She never stood a chance._

“Yo, guys, you can't just come barging into people's houses like that. What if I'd been..." Naruto huffs, his hands flying up in exasperation, "I dunno, like-" 

"It doesn't appear that there’s anything important happening," Neji interrupts; Shikamaru cuts his gaze over to the man beside him, finding his eyes narrowed, irritation set into his jaw. 

"Haha, very funny," Naruto replies, turning back to his task just as the bandages -no longer held in place- begin to fall down from Sasuke's waist, the wrap loosening and dropping to the floor. "Oops." 

"I told you it was fucked when you started," Sasuke complains. He starts to bend down in an attempt to retrieve the fabric but barely makes it past a 45 degree angle before he hisses, face screwing up in pain. "Shit."   
  
Shikamaru can’t help but smirk. 

"That joke you made last night ain't so funny now, is it?" Naruto gives Sasuke a small smile, his voice light, teasing, as he snatches the bandage roll up off the floor. "You should've been the one-"

"Shut the fuck up." Sasuke snaps, eyes wider than Shikamaru has ever seen them, as he shoves the blonde's shoulder and then grabs the dangling end of the bandage roll to throw in his face. "Just- If you're so goddamn adamant on doing this, do it right, dobe." 

"I'm trying my best, teme. If you'd just listened to me last night instead of trying to be so fucking tough, your ribs wouldn't be broken again." Naruto sounds almost angry now, returning Sasuke's shoulder shove. "I thought Tsunade set them."

"Would you shut the hell up you fucking idiot. Give that to me- I'll do it my fucking self." Sasuke tries to yank the roll of bandages from Naruto's hands but he holds on tight, refusing to let go.

"Don't call me an idiot when I'm trying to help you, fucking bastard-"

_OK, that's enough. Fuck annoying…They literally haven't changed since we were all genin._

Shikamaru clears his throat to get their attention despite not really wanting to - hell, he doesn't even want to be here anymore- but he knows that Tsunade will be pissed at everyone if Naruto is not at the briefing. Still, the pointless argument going on across the room continues, more of a play fight at this point and Shikamaru finds himself wondering why it’s never like between himself and Neji; not the fighting part, but they don’t get lost in each other like this, forgetting anyone else in the room.

Then again he’s never seen two people so utterly obsessed with each-other as Sasuke and Naruto. He’s heard most of their old classmates say that’s it’s one sided with the two of them, that the Uchiha couldn’t care less about who he was with but Shikamaru knows that’s not true. In fact, he wouldn’t be surprised is Naruto is the only person the black haired ninja is capable of loving. He’s loathe to admit it, but anyone could see just how unhappy and wholly uninterested Sasuke appeared to be with Sakura last night when they made their wedding announcement. 

And then there’s the matter of the hickies and bites marks scattered about Uchiha's throat and trailing down onto his chest, all of them red and very new. There’s no way the man would let anyone else do that to him. And the way he just looks at the blonde, like he’s everything that ever mattered, even while calling him names and poking at his forehead, like he’s _everything_ … 

“Naruto!" Shikamaru calls, louder than necessary, but thankfully this time the squabbling stops. The blonde turns to him, face as flushed as Shikamaru's own. "We have a meeting with Tsunade-sama." 

"Huh? A meeting?" Shikamaru watches with annoyance as Naruto looks Sasuke- Sasuke who shakes his head and shrugs- as if he would have anything to do with it. "Like, now?" 

"Yes, now." 

"Huh..." Naruto's confused expression takes on a ponderous mien, as if wondering how he could have forgotten such a thing. Just as Shikamaru is about to snap at him, he opens his mouth again. "Hey, Neji- you're pretty good with medical stuff now, right? You wanna do me a favor and help me bandage Sasuke's ribs? I keep messing up." 

From over his shoulder, Shikamaru hears an amused snort. “I think not.” Then there’s a hand on his shoulder. “We should go; he can meet us there,” Neji says quietly, barely audible beneath Naruto and Sasuke play-fighting over the bandages again.   
  
“Hey!” Shikamaru raises his voice to get Naruto’s attention once more time, thankful when blue eyes hesitantly flick away from Sasuke to look in his direction.

“Just meet us at Hokage Tower- yes, now." Shikamaru says, and before Naruto can think of something dumb to say he’s turned around, following Neji's to the door. 

Outside, he pauses for a second to collect himself, locking the door and replacing the key under the mat, taking a deep breath. He can’t help but recall the way Naruto looked in there; fuck it’s been years since he’s seen the blonde smile like that. 

“So you noticed that too?” Neji says, still looking like he’s trying not to laugh. 

“Of course,” Shikamaru sticks his hands in his pockets and starts to walk. He can still hear the grin in Naruto’s obnoxiously loud voice through the door. “It’s been forever since he’s been like that, y’know?”

“I don’t much like Uchiha,” Neji replies, “But he makes Naruto happy- he must have some redeeming qualities no one else can see.” 

“I just- tch…” Shikamaru scoffs, shaking his head. He kicks a pebble, watches it roll to a stop just as he steps past it. “They both looked miserable as fuck last night, at the engagement party, and then today it’s like they’re they’re completely in love, can’t stay off each other. I think I even saw Uchiha smiling. But, I mean it’s not that it isn’t some seriously troublesome shit, I mean, Sakura is going to get hurt.” 

Neji shrugs, “Probably. Maybe for a while.   
It seems she wasn’t meant to be with Uchiha anyway.” 

“Yeah, I guess. I just hope Naruto can concentrate on the mission today- Ahh!” Shikamaru yelps, caught of guard when Neji suddenly yanks him by the arm into an alley, pushing him up against the wall. “What the hell are you doing?” 

“Naruto won’t be ready for at least ten minutes,” Neji says, inches from Shikamaru’s face. 

“So? That doesn’t mean we have to be late too.” 

“You really want to go to the tower and sit around waiting for him?” 

“I suppose not. But why are we- oh…,” Shikamaru’s mouth clamps shut, eyes widening as Neji sinks down onto his knees in front of him, hands gathering the hem of his shirt, pushing it up against his stomach. “Can’t we find somewhere more private?” 

Neji activates his byakugan, a provocative smile teasing at his lips. “No one is around, I promise.” Slender fingers work at Shikamaru's belt, quick and adept, getting it undone and moving on to unfasten his trousers. “But if you’re concerned...” 

“You’re so fucking troublesome. We’re going to be late meeting the Hokage,” Shikamaru says but there’s no bite in his words. He can’t help but gasp when Neji pulls his cock out of his pants, breath puffing against the head. They’ve never done anything in public like this before, but Shikamaru finds himself unable to protest. “Neji?” 

Those moonstone eyes look up at him, fix on him, capture him and the fire that’s sparked up in his belly turns outwards, electric through his veins.

“She can wait?” Shikamaru asks and Neji’s mouth closing around him is the answer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I had to include Shikamaru and Neji because they're my second favorite Naruto ship. I intend to write some one-shots, maybe a story with just them but I just had to add them into this. They're both so hot. And I don't think I'll ever write a Naruto fic where Neji is dead. I cannot accept that part of canon. Killing him off made me so mad. Ahhhhg. Anyway. Please review. Let me know what you thought of this super NSFW bonus chapter!
> 
> Also, I just wanted to clear something up- when the males in this are talking about children, I do not mean male pregnancy. I mean (and this is used in a lot of stories) finding a surrogate so they can continue on their line, or adoption. I'll reference these more clearly later, but since it was a little blurb between Shikamaru and Neji I thought it was worth mentioning.


End file.
